Date: Mar. 16, 2003 Time: 5:25 PM My current mood is: My usual weekend update A warm kiss and he walks to his car, the sun is shining and he is gone to New York. This weekend was so great, much better then the last. Everything was perfect, I don't know what changed, if anything. He said for the past couple weeks (not including now) that I've been boring, distant, quiet, and seemed depressed. I didn't even notice that I was depressed, to me that was just my normal moods. I wonder what he'll do when he sees me when I'm REALLY depressed. I'm usually pretty good about not communicating with anyone on those days, not letting anyone see what happens. We pondered about what was different now, why do things seem much better between us suddenly, we couldn't figure out a definitive answer. Odd. Suddenly he is the world to me again, after feeling Revulsion. Who the hell knows? Friday I went to a wedding with Jim, it was so boring. The priest went on and on, mumbling about nothing. At the reception I ate everything that was served to me since I was just going to puke it anyway. Jim's mom sat next to me, leaving her salad untouched, eating only a potato for dinner proclaiming "I'm not even hungry at all! And I didn't even eat lunch today either, are you hungry?" I just shrugged, embarrised because I was hungry though I hadn't kept anything down all day. Women LOVE to say they aren't hungry, it pleases them to no end to gush about how they haven't eaten anything all day. And these are the NON-disordered ones mind you. Jim's mom is a doll though, she told me she loved me and that I'm nice and beautiful *blush* Anyway, I was freaking out cause anytime I tried to purge there was always people in the bathroom! So I ended up keeping it down, I was totally stressed about this. I felt bad because Jon had come early on friday, and I was at the wedding while he sat around and did nothing. Then I came home later then I said I would, oops! I thought he was pissed but then we had sex so I guess not ;) We had some damn good sex all weekend infact! We talked about our "food problems", I lectured him on the dangers of not eating and he inturn told me he was worried I would die. It's sort of hard for either of us to lecture since it's hypocritical. I felt so guilty cause there were a few times this weekend that I purged that I KNOW he knew I was puking, I could tell by the look on his face as I excused myself to the bathroom. I feel awful putting him through this, him knowing I'm puking what I eat, especially when he's right there. But what else can I do? What else can he do? I decided screw all this shit, I'm going to get better. But then the thought passed. I keep going back and forth...I want to delve deep into this delusional world again, yet I wish I could do it part time. It hits me when I know I can't sit and eat a normal meal with people...I mean that really can get in the way of your life, how do you explain that to people? It's such a normal thing for people to go out to eat, to make dinner, all this....and I can't do it unless there's a bathroom nearby, and I can hope no one hears me do it. I wish I could have my disorder when I want to, and then other times eat normal and be ok when it suits me. But it doesn't work that way. I'm going to try to keep more food down, I'm getting way to harshly into bulimia/starving myself. I need to keep SOMETHING down! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: