Disclaimer
Recent
Older
The Story
Sign my Guestbook
Read my Guestbook
Diary Rings
My Pimp
Last 5 Entries:
Mar. 12, 2005
Feb. 01, 2005
Jan. 31, 2005
Jan. 02, 2005
Jan. 02, 2005

Date: Feb. 01, 2005
Time: 11:23 PM
My current mood is: The current mood of fishnets666 at www.imood.com

Today's ponderings

Now that I've written one entry(yesterday), now I want to write another! Today I only worked half a shift, so that was cool. And I have tomorrow off :) I started my class on Monday, it's my ONLY CLASS I need to graduate!! Fiiiiiiinally! I'll be so relieved once that's over. I'm bored right now, and I'm helping Jon write a paper for his class.

I can feel myself backsliding a bit. I feel myself allowing my body to go too long without food. To feel intense hunger before I give in. Or to "forget" to eat meals. To drink diet coke instead of eating. Or to binge at night, sometimes purging it. For some reason the eating less bothers me more then the occasional purging, because I've somehow worked it into my brain that purging is more like a hobby, or a stress relief, like getting drunk on the weekends. But the other parts are what worry me. I find myself obsessing over finding out patient's height/weight ratio. Even now, I just typed in someone's to find out their BMI. Psycho? Yes. But the curiousity kills me. I need to find out what thin looks like. What normal looks like. I find myself obsessing over messiness of foods that I eat in public. Wiping my mouth after each bite for fear someone may see the messiness that is food. The disgusting messiness, almost like neediness. I can't eat certain things in public. I won't. I feel safer lately breaking things off with my hand to eat them. Pieces of bread is better then taking a whole bite. Safer.

But wait, it's not that big of a deal, I'm not completely starving myself or anything, just some behaviors that I'm noticing. I feel a bit hypocritical though. I admonish a kid for not eating enough dinner, while I nibble on my "salad sandwich". Yesterday the urge to self injure hit me strongly, and it sickened me. Disgusted me that I would want to do something like that. Disgusted me that I've done that so many times. It seems so immature and stupid. Yet my mind pelted me with urges. I'm beyond that. Beyond purging. Beyond all of that, because I'm Mature and Professional.

Anyway, so I'm in the process of making a new diary. Yay. When I'm done, I'll let you know and if you'd like you can email me to get the new name.

Leave a message

Last Entry ~ Next Entry



Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates:


� Layout designed by me. Cause I'm cool like that.