Date: Mar. 13, 2003 Time: 3:38 PM My current mood is: Can't eat. Last night I was dumb and took these new diet pills I stole. It totally fucked me up!! I'm never taking them again. My heart was pounding all night and whenver I tried to stand/walk around I felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to stay concious during dinner, I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to be able to. Most of the night I just layed in bed wishing for my heart to stop pounding, I didn't really feel like blacking out by being up and about. So no I'm not taking those again. Lately I don't want to eat anything. Even eating and puking annoys me, not the puking part but the eating. I'm only puking normal sized meals now, and having a hard time letting myself eat things. I don't even really have an appitite, I just don't want anything. Occasionally I force myself to eat a piece of fruit so my blood sugar doesn't drop (my blood sugar gets wacky). I know logically I should eat something...it just seems impossible. Right now it's 3:30pm and I've had nothing, except for eating and throwing up this morning. The only reason I did that was cause I bought food yesterday and figured it would be a waste to let it just sit there and go bad. Where has my appitite gone? I can feel my stomach being hungry but it just doesn't spur me to eat. I wish we had more green apples. That's the only thing I've been letting myself eat and keep down. Now what?? What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I do dumb things like this? I know I'm not fat, I want to lose weight but at the same time I know I'm not doing it to lose weight. Eating just scares me. I hate hearing Jon say "Now that you've relapsed..." I didn't relapse! I mean, no, it sounds so final. I can still get better, all is not lost right? People keep suggesting I call the ED clinic. I'm afraid. They'll make me eat and keep it down. They'll be mean to me. *sigh* I just want things to be good. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: