Date: Jan. 31, 2005 Time: 12:10 AM My current mood is: My diary Oh my gosh! What is this? Could it be...an entry??? So yes, I decided to make an update. But my update is about my diary. I don't know what I should do, I'm thinking of either deleting my diary and that's it, making it private, or making one under a new name and making it private. There are some different reasons for this, and for why I haven't updated. One reason is simply that I'm wicked busy. I'm working, and when I'm home, my roommate is here so I can't update. When I do have time alone, I usually end up doing other things instead of coming here. Another thing is that if feels very weird and paranoidish to be working at a mental hospital, and having a diary online where former patients could accidently come across it, and realize it's me or something, and see all my past issues. It just feels very uncomfortable to think about that, you know? I mean I know for a fact there've been pro-ana people at the hospital! Who's to say they wouldn't come across this (not that I'm pro-ana, but I am connected to various other ED'd people's diaries). I dunno. Another reason I haven't updated is because I feel like I don't exist sort of. I know that sounds odd, but I feel kinda empty. Like when I'm alone, I feel like I have an awkward silence with myself. I feel cold. Empty. Superficial. I say the right things I'm supposed to say, I smile on cue, laugh when something is supposed to be funny, act professional all the time. And that's me. How can I write in a diary when that's me? I know that sounds like I'm depressed or something, but actually I'm not. I've actually been pretty depression-free for the past few months, weird! I just feel kind of not here, I think it's cause all day I'm so focused on everyone else, always asking how they are and what they're feeling, I push myself away. I'm also sort of in a fight with my sister. It's very aggrivating and making me feel bad, cause according to her, she has all this pent up anger against me for not being a good sister to her all these years. It hurts for her to say that. She said that in response to me telling her she's always hostile to me. So I told her the reason I haven't always been close with her is BECAUSE she's hostile, like I said in the first place! But she won't believe me. She never does. I don't understand why, I'm not lying to her, I try to tell her as calmly as possible but she refuses to believe that she's angry/hostile/demanding. Why would I lie to her? She just says it's me, that I don't give a shit about her. It just go around in circles, and I don't know how to make it right. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: