Date: Mar. 18, 2003 Time: 2:11 AM My current mood is: Some random thoughts at 2:15am I shouldn't of weighed myself. The scale says I am almost 108lbs. I haven't gone to the bathroom in almost a week though, not since I made myself by taking laxatives. This is what is known as slowed gastric emptying, common amongst bulimics. The food I do keep down, kinda just sits there. And sits. And sits. I know this because I don't even feel like I *can't* go, I just have no urge at all. I look in the mirror, my stomach bulging yet I look more slim. My throat is incredibly sore tonight, I scraped it while purging, but also I think it's cause I"m purging 4 times a day now. I wish I could make some tea but the microwave is broken. And can I just say, it SUCKS that it's broken!! Most of what I eat is microwaved, I can't cook for shit! What better to eat and throw up, but food prepared in under 5 minutes? I feel like I kept too much down today, yet yesterday I decided I was going to try to keep down more...confusing confusing, did I do bad or did I do good? Jon told me he threw up on Thursday. I didn't know that. I try to lecture him about being healthy but what can I do? He just says he's healthier then I am and that at least he keeps down food. Well. He's got me there. I don't know why I'm doing this. I do not look down at my body, repulsed by fat, wanting desperatly to lose weight NOW and freaking out about being so obese. I look...ok. I look fairly normal. I don't love the way I look, but I don't hate it. I don't stand infront of the mirror seething at myself. I glance in the mirror and think "hmmm. I look normal, if not the thinner side of normal". Which is a pretty accurate description if I do say so myself. So why then am I starving myself? For me, I consider binging and purging starving myself, since I keep barely anything down. Why? Why do I wish I weighed less yet I don't think I'm fat...I guess I still have the fascination at watching the numbers go down, the excitement of seeing less and less each day on the scale. Because I don't think I'm fat and horrid, it makes me feel guilty. Like I didn't have a good enough "reason" to relapse. There was no reason. There's still no reason now to continue. I'd like to lose weight, get back to 95lbs, it's nice to have a goal. I dunno, I guess I feel like a fraud in a way. I should hate the way I look if I'm going to be like this, and since I don't, why the fuck do I continue to be like this? Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: