Date: Nov. 16, 2004 Time: 11:14 PM My current mood is: What's going on Alright I'll talk. I haven't felt like updating, or talking about things in general. I haven't spoken to my therapist in a long while. I haven't gone back to see my psychiatrist. I haven't really talked much to my friends about things that bother me. I have been talking to them a lot though about "happy/normal" things though. I've been talking to Jon a bit, but now I don't want to talk to him at all. Well, ok I kind of do, but... Ok with the thing with Jon, is that I don't think it even has much to do with him. See I've been reading my dad's emails again, because him and his girlfriend broke up, and I'm a nosy bastard. I came across several emails where they talked about how my dad and my mom didn't have a happy marraige, and only pretended to infront of people, and stayed together because of my sister and I. Reading that was...weird. I don't know. How do you react to something like that? They didn't get into reasons, but one thing my dad said is because they didn't have sex. Since I've found this out, I find myself inexplicably angry at Jon. Angry cause he pretends to care. Angry cause I still have no sex drive, and we don't have sex. Angry because I'm relating the emails to myself. I wish I could get back to my old self. Back when I was basiclly a player. Hook up with whatever guy I wanted, when I wanted. Didn't need them to pretend to want to call me. Screw that. I just wanted a good time, no strings. Seems like such an easier, colder way of being. Instead of having someone be with you all the time, dripping of caring and love. Fake caring I bet. Maybe I should break up with him. Save us the trouble. I'm obviously not good enough, so why bother trying to pretend I am? I've been purging daily and self injuring at times. I'm not purging as much as I used to, and I'm still keeping down food, so I'm not like totally insane with it. But I feel like a hypocrite. A horrible liar, deceitful. I work in the mental health/substance abuse field, yet here I am, doing the things I do. But does it really count if no one knows? If I self injure where no one can see, did it really happen? If none of this effects my work, can I just ignore it and deam it an extracurricular activity? I mean really, it's not anyone's business what I do in my spare time anyway. But I did tell Jon the other day, I came clean. And....now for something POSITIVE! I'm going to start moving my stuff into my NEW APARTMENT in 2 weeks!!!! WOOOHOOO! Katie and I are so psyched. This is going to be so fantastic. I can't wait! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: