Date: Nov. 06, 2004 Time: 2:18 PM My current mood is: Apartment!!! Guess what!! Katie and I found an apartment! We went to go see it today, it's small but nice. Especially for the price we're getting, normally something that cheap would be totally ghetto I think. Perhaps part of the reason it's cheap is because it's surrounded by a grave stone maker, so there are gravestones all around it lol. I told Katie we're going to be sooo goth living around them lol. I managed to convince her to give me the bigger room too. The floor is kinda odd/old fashioned looking in the living room, but that's ok I think if we got an area rug it would look much better. I'm sooo excited to move out!! YAY! I bet my family will be negative about it, and tell me I won't be able to do it. Well screw them! Aside from that, I guess I've been doing so-so, or maybe not so well. I started self injuring again. Magically my eating became more normal. Weird how that works huh? When I starve/purge, the self injury urges disappear, and vica versa. I'm now wanting to do a low fat diet. I swear, I'm always wanting to do various diets, and I never stick with them very long. Anyway, so my self injury is mainly above my ankle area, which is covered by my socks. Nobody will know. Not even Jon. I asked Jon if he noticed any difference with me being on the Lexapro, and he said honestly he can't tell that I have depression anyway, I always seem fine. I stared at him. Part of me wanted to show my ankle to him. What if that's true? What if I don't have depression anymore? Maybe I am fine. I don't know. Granted, he doesn't know about my resurfaced self injury, or my purging or restricting. Infact when I casually mentioned I was trying to stop taking my caffiene pills(ok they're actually diet pills, but I refer to them as caffiene pills), he was completely shocked and had no idea that I even took them. "What? When do you take them??" he said, "Um, everyday. You didn't know that?" I responded. It's not that I mean to keep secrets, it's just that...after awhile, it seems pointless to keep being open. Like yeah, I used to tell him about all this type of stuff, but after awhile, am I supposed to give him daily reports on how I'm doing? It just seems pointless to tell him any of these things. Just like it seems pointless to make a therapy appt. and tell her any of these things. Why bother? It's the same old shit, over and over. Why bother tell anyone. Why bother do anything about it. Today more hair then normal came out as I was brushing it. But falling out is normal, again. I ended up dropping one of my classes that I was doing badly in. This means I will graduate in the spring instead, having to take just one class for that semester. I haven't told my family yet, they still think I'm graduating in December. I know they're going to look down on me. But I felt like this was the best way to help myself, the best way to have a good grade transcript, and good way to help keep my head from falling off. Need to keep the stress level down. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: