Date: Sept. 19, 2004 Time: 1:57 AM My current mood is: Liquid diet? Hmm...probably more like a cake diet. I feel like I've been excessivly needy lately, yet at the same time all pissy. Like I'll cling to Jon, telling him not to leave me and he'll be like "Um, I'm just going to check on the laundry! I'm not leaving", and then a little while later a sentence he said will spiral into me getting mad, refusing to talk in anything more then mono tones and 2 word sentences, halfway through forgetting why I'm actually upset in the first place, just knowing that I cannot smile, cannot show any affection. I'm sure he finds it annoying, but unfortunatly he's just used to it. The thing is, he'll always ask me what's wrong, and when I said I don't know or nothing, he thinks I'm just covering up. But I'm not, I really don't know, I just get depressed for no reason. I weighed myself, which maybe I shouldn't because I'm rather...er...constipated (TMI I know!). That always brings my weight up. But still, I did gain MORE weight. Infact if that weight was totally true, I'm not that far away from my high weight. Which is completely unacceptable. But there's no way I would ever actually get up to that weight. I just wouldn't. I'm wanting to go on a liquid diet, plotting it all out in my head. Except I NEVER follow these diet plans. Everyday I plan out what diet I will follow, how many calories I will eat...and then I just go eat chocolate, Cheese Nips, tortilla chips and salsa, bagels w/ cream cheese...just on and on. I have absolutly NO will power. Which is actually pretty frightening to someone with a history of an ED. Yes I know it must be so dull reading me say this over and over. This is what I think about all day though. I'M BORING! By the way I ended up getting that internship :) The only problem is my advisor wants me to go to her internship class, but I already have another class at that time! FUCK!! Why is this whole process so difficult and infuriating? It's like fricken pulling teeth. So I don't know, I'm really hoping she'll say I can meet with her seperatly, or else I'm totally fucked. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: