Date: Sept. 15, 2004 Time: 2:23 PM My current mood is: Hawks, running, and islands. For some reason there were hawks being really loud at my school. I never quite realized the amount of hawks that reside here. Even at my work, people see them swoop down and catch rabbits..not what I would think would be good to see at a mental hospital lol. I had my piano instruction today. I feel like I completely and totally SUCK. My teacher said I'm actually not bad, that I'm doing good considering my lack of former experience with it, and was pretty surprised when I told her I had taught myself a bit. I dunno, I still sound really awful though. My issue is that I'm sort of a perfectionist, but not the normal kind. I'd think most perfectionists do everything perfect, get all A's, etc. I'm a pessimistic perfectionist. I figure, if I can't do it perfect, then I suck and should just stop trying. That's why I have no hobbies. Anything I try to do, I'm like man, I totally SUCK at this, there is no point in even doing it anymore, and I quit. Yes, I know this is the wrong way to look at things, but I can't help it. I get so upset and frustrated. Like today, the fact that I can't play spectacular makes me just want to stop and never play again. But obviously the only way to get good is to practice. I'll stick it through. Whew, I just made like 10,000 doctors appoints! Anyway, shortly I have leave to meet with some woman at this substance abuse center, to hopefully do an internship there. I really really REALLY hope this works out! See, I have to have this definite by TOMORROW, or else I have to drop it and then I can't graduate this semester, I have to come back a whole other semester just for 3 stinkin credits!! That would be superbly annoying. Mind you, I have been calling all these places trying to get internships, and praticly NO ONE called me back! Isn't that totally rude? One person called back to say no, and that's it. This woman I am meeteing with I actually got to talk to on the phone, instead of just getting thrown onto her voice mail. The only prob is that I have no idea to get there, and it's on some weird island I never new existed!! Earlier I was thinking, I really admire runners. People who run just because they love it, because they love hearing their feet hit the pavement, and cause it brings them more joy then anything. I envy that so much, I wish I was like that. I'm the opposite. But I so wish that I loved running, or any exercise for that matter, I wish I craved it, and felt bliss when doing it. Perhaps I can get myself to be like that. Anyway, speaking of exercise, I'm completely disgusting as usual. I can only wear a few pairs of pants, and even those are mostly too tight. I know I need to do something, but I just get too apathetic to bother. I wish I was in great shape. I feel like I'm wasting my youth away looking like a fat slob. Like my life right now doesn't count as much cause I'm not thinner. Anyway, I need to get going. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: