Date: Sept. 09, 2004 Time: 11:56 PM My current mood is: Some dumb childhood memories I'm talking to my sister online right now. Ever since she moved to school, we've been talking SO much more. Right now we started talking about some heavier stuff...she was asking why I don't stand up to our aunt, and I was saying I wasn't brought up to stand up for myself, how can I start now? And I dunno, then she almost brought up about my(our?) eating issues...and then she said nevermind, and I quickly changed the subject. But one day, we'll have to talk about it. I know it. Any time it gets or almost gets brought up, I quickly change the subject or play dumb. One day I know we'll have to sit down and discuss. But I dread that. I don't want to ever discuss it. My private shameful secret. I'm feeling flustered right now. Lately I've been remembering about how my dad used to put me in situations that were like a rock and a hard place. Where any decision I made was wrong. That sucked. He always had control issues with me, I don't know why. He still does a little. For instance, today I found a note that told me to clean a spot of pink drink I had left on the counter. I think it's weird that he wrote a note which took longer then it would have taken to just clean the pink. Like if it were me, I would have just cleaned it...I dunno, does that sound weird? He makes big deals of things that don't matter at all. And like tonight on the phone, Julie and I were talking about our childhoods(we've been friends since elementery school!), and it got brought up about how my dad would force me to call random people in class that I didn't know, and ask them to hang out with me. I know I've written about this before, but it's on my mind now so deal with it! It was just so humiliating. I would plead and beg not to make me do that, but I HAD to. So I did, feeling the hot shame inside as the girl would pick up the phone, confused as to why I was calling since I didn't even know them. He would make me go through a list of who was in the class, forcing me to pick which ones to call. It was my punishment for not being popular like he wanted me to be. Oh and of course always forced to go to club meetings. Yes, forced. I cried and begged, don't make me go...my phobia of people was so strong back then, yet I had to go anyway. Put into a roomfull of people I didn't know, I felt horrible, wanting to die, feeling like the hugest loser that ever lived. Feeling such self hatred, WHY couldn't I just talk to people? And then as I got older, and I actually started making friends (on my OWN), my punishments swiftly turned to getting grounded. CONSTANTLY. I felt so confused. One minute I'm being forced to call/be with people, then next I'm forced to not hang out with them. So very confusing. I felt like no matter what I chose to do, it was never the right decision. Even with school. I had learning problems, and got bad grades from it, yet wasn't allowed to go to lower level classes. I begged to be able to, so I could just once get good grades. But no. I was not allowed. I HAD to be able to be normal, and that was that. Yet I got grounded and yelled at for my bad grades. I felt like it was a no win situation. I was trying to find a way to make it better, yet wasn't allowed. I got bad grades cause I was obviously lazy (although they know I had an LD, but if I talked about it I was "using it as a cop out" or something). It just pissed me off so much, failing Algebra, knowing that if I could just go to the lower level, I could understand it easier. But no, lower=bad. It's my own fault. I could go on and on about stuff but this entry will end up being way too long. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: