Date: Sept. 03, 2004
Time: 5:01 PM
My current mood is:
Fat bursting out of me
I'm listening to my favorite Scissorkiss song right now. Sort of goes with my mood...sad. I just tried on several pairs of pants. Not because I wanted to see what they looked like, but because each one after one wouldn't fit me. Each too tight, pushing into my skin, hurting, fat spilling out of the top. Sorrow sorrow hate, why, why have I let this happen? I remember those jeans, the ones I folded and put back in the drawer, the ones that were so tight it was hurting my skin and I felt like i could barely walk...I remember they used to be so loose on me. I remember wearing the same jeans in a size smaller, and those being too loose on me. I remember. Except it was a long time ago. I haven't worn those smaller jeans. And now the bigger ones, too small to even be able to pretend to fit. Why do I eat? I just continually stuff my face with all these foods. And I continually avoid the gym. Why am I afraid to go? For some reason it's been so long that I now feel unable to bring myself to go. And I see food, I crave, I eat. I now have cellulite. It's offical. I am a disgusting fat ugly pig. Cellulite. From all the fat, expanding so much that it can not even expand evenly, pushing out of my skin, busting to explode bigger. I feel like dying right now. I feel like cutting. I feel like never eating again, but obviously that won't happen since as we know, I'm a huge pig. I'm one of those fat lazy americans that doesn't work out, with big pounds of fat hanging out. The disgusting people you look at and think "That will never be me, I could never let myself go", that is who I am becoming, who I am. Yet I don't even do anything about it. And now I'm running out of clothes to wear. I may as well buy moomoos. I used to be so much fucking thinner, it makes me so angry that I used to be that, and now I'm this. I used to starve myself and it became so easy. So easy to just not eat. Now I stare at my diet pill bottles and wonder why they say "take no more then .... a day", wondering WHY can't I take more, and if it would really matter if I take more then that. My greed, my fatness. Today I ate a bowl of cereal, one and a half english muffins with butter, 4 bean tacos. I'm not having anything more, I swear, that's all...eccept I'll probably eat something before I go to bed. And Katie will want to drink maybe...ufff. I'm so sick of this, I'm so sick of being hungry, of wanting food then eating it, then feeling awful after. I just want to want nothing at all. I want to cut myself over and over, but I can't cause I work at a freakin mental hospital and that would be kind of bizarre.
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