Date: Apr. 25, 2004 Time: 10:25 PM My current mood is: Went out partying!! I came here just now because I really had the urge to make myself puke. I just ate dinner and I was fine with it, but suddenly I started getting those feelings...that *must be empty* feeling. I've been feeling pretty self concious and fat all day. But I can't purge, I won't. I hate this anxious feeling, kinda hard to describe. Today I went shopping with my grandmother and my sister. Needless to say, it was very triggering :( For like every store, my sister kept saying "I don't shop here cause they don't have my size, all their clothes are too big on me" cause she's so tiny(she's like a double zero)...ufff! I especially felt bad when she said that about a store, then said "Hey lets look in it for you". Gee thanks. I just felt so embarrised of myself, that I would let myself look so gross :( But I'm totally going to work out a ton, try to do it the healthy way. I'm going to be in perfect shape. I better be. My grandmother kept going on and on about how thin my sister is and how she's too skinny...not once saying it to me, I felt huge. But other then that, it was nice to hang out with my grandmother and sister. Last night I went to a party at this guy Alex's house, I haven't been to a party in forever! I went with Katie, Jim invited us. It was weird though, we were all hanging out drinking, and suddenly Katie and I realized that the girl Jim was sitting with was his girlfriend...what's weird is that she's black, and I thought Jim was a little racist?! So Katie and I were giving looks to each other like what the fuck?? lol strange. I mean he's not a huge racist, I wouldn't even be friends with him if he was, but he's the type that is(was?) a tiny bit. But I guess not! That's good, I'm going to call him tomorrow and get the scoop. I felt bad for Katie though, cause she started getting all bummed out seeing Jim with someone else for the first time since they broke up. I was having fun talking with everyone, haven't seen them in ages. This guy Matt that was there, I haven't seen him in awhile, he was totally flirting with me. It's weird, I remember even back years ago when Jim and I were going out, I always kinda had a little crush on Matt, I could sort of tell there was a little attraction going on there, but obviously never acted on it. And now he was flirting SO much more, when I left he even kissed me on the cheek(I didn't do it back obviously)!...I don't think he knew I have a boyfriend. If I wasn't going out with Jon I think I would have gone for him. But Jon doesn't need to know that ;) After that we left and went to hang out with Jon and his friends from work at a bar. Jon was soooo trashed! I felt so giddy last night, I haven't hung out with groups of people in forever! Katie said she enjoyed it too, she's been really antisocial for awhile too. I hate how it's so easy to get stuck in that, just sitting at home by yourself or hanging out with just Jon, it's so easy to never go out. I really have to make a point to hang out with friends and just generally get out more. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: