Date: Apr. 22, 2004 Time: 12:43 AM My current mood is: Murdering pigs You know what's weird(or maybe not), I didn't even try to remember the endoscopy till I went to bed. Then I was like "Oh yeah, so when did I wake up? What do I remember?". lol I mean not like anything that interesting happened, but I dunno I just think it's interesting to try to remember things when I've been put to sleep. I was asleep, but I actually have a very faint memory of them taking the tube out of my throat, kind of like when you're trying to remember a dream but you can only barely. And I remember waking up, and them handing me a sheet and the doctor telling me the medication he was going to give me(Zelnorm), except for some reason it sounded like a totally different harder to pronounce name(which is weird cause I've heard the name Zelnorm like ten thousand times), and then I asked him again what it was and he laughed and said I'm asking again because I'm still groggy/out of it. Felt kind of embarrissed, but I'm sure they're used to people being all out of it :P Also I thought I asked if I needed surgery for my hiatal hernia and he looked at me funny and didn't seem to know what I was talking about, so it must have come out wrong and I didn't realize lol. Ah well! Anyway, I'm STILL sick! I was pissed today, I went to my PAL appointment, and I was 15 minutes late due to all this stupid construction they're doing on the roads. So I go in, and she's with someone else! I was so fucking pissed. I just stood there by the doorway, debating what I should do..they didn't see me. I didn't feel like having her be all "Oooh I'm so sorry I thought you wouldn't show up blah blah" like last time, so I just left without saying anything. I felt like a big "REJECTED" sign was on my forhead. I know that it shouldn't be a big deal but I felt so sick I fucking dragged myself to go, waiting through tons of traffic, and then she goes and makes an appt. with someone else. God! I'm going to call and leave a messege saying I was there and I left. But only to her answering machine, too...what's the word...afraid? to say it to her directly. I was psyched though cause today I was supposed to have a big test in Science but he postponed it till next week! Woohoo! Also, I got the last major test back and I got 101! Niiiice. I studied like the day of the test and that's it. I was so fucking pissed though when as we waited in the lab room, he announced we would be dissecting pigs :o The last time when they were going to dissect sheeps hearts I just walked out. But I couldn't miss another lab, so I stayed but sat at a different table and didn't participate. Fortunatly there was another girl that sat at the table with me, also not participating. He went on to say the pigs were products of the meat industry, that when they breed the pigs, and there are some that aren't good enough, they go to be used as dissection pigs. That's awful!! The fact that he could say that and be totally fine with what he was doing just sickened me! Those pigs are killed so we can see what their insides look like?! What the fuck?? Ever heard of a fucking photo copy machine, make some copies of drawings of what a digestive system looks like? Pigs are alive, they're not just plastic toys or something. By the way, just want to say I have been eating normal! Woohoo! Haven't purged/restricting in awhile. Not sure how long...seems like years. Anyway, so yes, because I decided that I am *normal*, that is my goal in life at the moment, to be *sane* and *normal*. Little stars because yes it's hard to say what's normal/sane, but you know what I mean. I WILL NOT have a mental illness. No, that is over, I have moved on, and I am done. Just like that. I may relapse from time to time, but I Think I really have reached a point that when I do relapse, I know inside that it's just a phase, that I will be back to eating normal again. I know it's not permenent. Instead of the eating disorder being normal and healthy eating being abnormal, it's the opposite, the way it should be. This realization makes me happy. I know that if I do relapse, I will come out of it again, and that is a fact. But, as of right now, I'm doing fine. I haven't exercised in forever due to being sick and tummy probs, so I've gained a few pounds, but once I'm well I'll exericise regularily, eat healthy, and I will become super human. Yes! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: