Date: Jan. 26, 2004 Time: 7:03 PM My current mood is: My grandfather My grandfather had some tests done, and apparently he has an...I can't even spell it, but basiclly a blood vessil that's going to burst in his stomach, and he's going to die from it. They don't know how long he'll live, they said they're amazed he's alive right now. It's hard to take this in. For awhile I didn't even fully realize it...like I knew the facts, but while I was there last night, it suddenly hit me what it means. It pissed me off that my aunt was mixing in a guilt trip about it, saying "see something like this is why I've always told you that you should visit him more", I just wish she would STOP with the fucking guilt trips, it's not the time for that. Then she's like "do you promise that now you'll come visit more often"...and it's just soo..I mean yes obviously I'll visit, she doesn't need to make me "promise", that's fucking stupid. Anyway. I dunno. He said he's going to wait to die in the spring, and that he wants to just OD on pills(if he lives that long). I'm sick AGAIN! Jon made me sick. Luckily it's only a cold this time, not the flu. I'm kinda worried about Jon, he seems more low self esteem lately, and last night he was saying how he keeps thinking about wanting to kill himself. He's told me that he gets really depressed every winter, so I told him he should go on meds. He refuses though, saying he doesn't deserve to feel happy :( He keeps needing reassurance that I care about him. I wish he would just try some anti-depressants, and see if they help. And as for myself...I decided I needed to quit purging again. I mean just after a few days I felt myself getting majorly depressed. I really feel like in the past year I've gotten so much better with my depression, and doing something that I know causes my depression to be worse just needs to be stopped! However, I don't know if I will start eating normal or what. Since I've been sick I started eating more again to regain my health. But I don't know. I want to be thin, and eating makes me feel guilty. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: