Date: Jan. 18, 2004 Time: 2:51 AM My current mood is: More weight agony, wishes for others It hurts me to see people online who have tried recovery only to relapse again. It hurts me to hear my friend in IP saying how she wants to immediatly lose weight after leaving, and that she wants to leave IP early to do that. I wish I could take all these people and just...I don't know, have a long talk with them that would make them realize how much they deserve to be healthy and happy, and that if they only would...would just eat normal, and be angry at people, and move out, and just learn how to use their strength, then they would be ok. But they don't realize that. They don't know what others see, won't believe it. They think they're weak but they're not. I feel like saying "You HAVE the ability!". Yet with all this, I myself am not even fully recovered. I sit here and think about how it wouldn't be a big deal to just eat 300 calories a day for awhile to just drop a few pounds. Cause it's not a big deal, right? But when I see others like that I feel so afraid that they're going to die. For example certain people who skip their insulin *ahem*. I haven't purged in almost a month. I don't feel bulimic. Like the thought of puking seems foreign to me now. But I still feel so incredibly fat. It's hard for me to figure out what to wear each day, cause clothes keep becoming off limits due to showing too much of my fat. Only baggy sweaters and t-shirts are allowed. Something tight can be worn ONLY if there is something over it to hide my sides. Yet today my grandmother started yelling at me for being too thin(as usual)...what the hell?? I know I've gained! She must be getting senile. I mean god, I look awful! I'm trying to think if there's some emotional aspect to this, some underlying cause for me wanting to lose weight, but the only reason I can think of is because I'm FAT. No underlying cause. Just the pig factor. Jon loves my boobs though. He keeps saying how he can't believe how big they are now and he's so happy about it....so in a way that makes me feel better, cause he's saying I'm sexy, but ufff, so hard to stick to one mindset. I just need to stick to my diet better. Maybe lower the amount. I've been aiming for 1500 calories, but I think less is better. Now after writing this entry I feel like I got punched in the chest. This giant pain inside(not physical), I just..I don't know. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: