Date: Nov. 26, 2003 Time: 6:54 PM My current mood is: My aunt and grandfather, streams of thought Second entry, here's the first. My dad and I just had a talk about my aunt and grandfather, about how insane they are. It's interesting to hear him talk about it, to hear someone else say "Yes, they are crazy", instead of questioning myself and letting them get to me. It made me feel better to be able to relate when he said they used to always harass him too and give him guilt trips. He talked about how when him and my mom first got married and they lived with them for awhile, how he hated it. How he constantly heard my grandfather verbally abuse my aunt, and to a lesser extent my mom. How my grandfather would say awful things about women, calling them cunts and other things my dad wouldn't repeat to me. He told me about how my mom kicked my aunt out of the house a few times, I didn't remember that. I brought up how weird they are about age. Like it's always "I'm older and you're younger, so that means you have to do this" or "I'm older so you have to show me respect" but that I don't deserve any. My dad said how my grandfather would always say to me that my opinion didn't matter. It was weird hearing my dad say that...I don't know why. I guess it's like, it's hard remembering specific things like that from my past, it all blurs together. It was all just normal. Normal to be told my opinion doesn't count, that I don't deserve anything I have, that I don't deserve to live in a house, that by having two parents and clothes that I have it too good, I don't deserve it. That my opinion doesn't matter, even if I know something to be right, I'm still wrong. That I don't deserve to speak, because my grandfather is talking, and when I try he just talks right over, ignoring what I have to say...cause it doesn't matter. To know 2 people that had to make it known that they were in charge, they were in control, so much that it was obvious that they really weren't in control of their own lives, so they had to control everyone elses instead. Remembering when I was little, my aunt forcing me to come over to her, knowing that she was going to hurt me, refusing but then she would just scream at me to get over there now, so I'd go over and she'd laugh and pinch me as hard as she could and twisting, so that I'd cry. Oh other times randomly screaming at me in a rampage, for no reason, feeling so afraid and crying...and once I'd start crying she'd stop, and quickly start laughing, saying "Hahaha you thought I was really yelling at you didn't you? I was totally joking the whole time, didn't you know that?", being so utterly confused. I remember my grandfather forcing me to say on a regular basis "You're smarter then me", shaming me. I was talking to them today on the phone, which is what prompted me and my dad's discussion. Her saying how she's home with my grandfather all the time, doing so much for him, that she never leaves the house cause she takes care of him 24/7. Him saying that she's lazy and stupid, that she does nothing all day except sleep and talk on the phone. I can't believe what either of them says, I'm assuming it's somewhere in the middle. While I talked to my dad about all this stuff, I started feeling bad. Bad because I feel like people think I am going to be my aunt. That's what my family thinks. When he's saying how crazy and obese she is, how lazy she is won't ever move out, I feel a pang of hurt and guilt. Because that's how they all see me. I know it. Because I still live at home and I'm 24, I am her. Because of everything, I am her. They all think it. My therapist tries to tell me I'm not my aunt, that I won't be like her. But I know they think it. They've always thought I would get obese like her. Not because I ate more then other people, just because they thought so. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: