Date: Nov. 26, 2003
Time: 3:01 PM
My current mood is:
Left out in the cold, so I must make a fire
I decided to go make some lunch, so I came out of my room, paused at the stairs...I heard my name. My sister and my father were talking about me. I stayed there quiet, listening. They were badmouthing me, mainly my sister. I couldn't hear everything my sister was saying, they were whispering, but I heard my dad sort of defending me, saying he's trying to trust that I'll do well in school this time, that I promised I would, that if I mess up that I know I'll have to pay for it. My sister was basiclly saying I'm going to do bad, and...I couldn't really hear, but by the way he was responding, basiclly saying I'm just going to fail out like the other times and that he shouldn't even pay for me to go to school. Pangs of hurt, betrayel...I try to be nice to my sister yet here she is, speaking about me like I'm such a fucking loser, saying my dad should give up on me. She doesn't even know, neither of them do, they don't know what it's like. They don't know why I dropped out, nor do they care. It made me feel horrible listening to them badmouth me, but then I realized it just motivates me more to do well in school now. I HAVE to do well, I have to prove that I'm not useless. I have to get better grades then my sister just to show them. I'm so angry but now I'm just going to focus that much harder. I know they have no faith in me, my dad might have a little left but not much, I don't care, I know I can do well! Unfortunatly lately I've slipped behind a little, but that's alright, I can make it up. I need to do well. I just have the spring semester, then next year and I'm done. I know everyone thinks I'm a loser, but I have to prove them wrong. My whole family hates me and I wish they didn't, I wish they didn't all look down on me and treat me like...like I don't know. I wish I had a loving family like I think some other people have, though I'm not sure if it's real. Do people have loving families? Do people openly care about each other in families? Or am I just basing this wish on some cheesy fairytail Christmas special? Are people really nice to each other or is it all just an act? Do people have others they feel they can count on? Does that happen in real life? Whatever I need to do papers now, get as much schoolwork done as I can. Peace out yo.
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