Date: Sept. 21, 2003
Time: 8:59 PM
My current mood is:
Apples and worthlessness
Today Katie, Jon and I went apple picking. As we picked up Katie and were about to leave, Jon asked if I had directions to get there, which I realized I had forgotten to get... Katie said something like "god I can't believe you forgot!" and stuff like that, I felt like the hugest moron ever :( All I could think was "stupid stupid stupid!". So we went back into Katie's house and looked em up online, but still she seemed really...I don't know if the word is pissed, just more thinking I'm a total idiot. The whole time infact she seemed pretty quiet, so inturn I became quiet, and Jon took the role of trying to start conversations. I figured she was probably quiet because she doesn't like hanging out with me anymore, not that she hates me, more like things I'm just a loser and beneath her. I told Jon this and he said it wasn't true, but still I think it is. I mean geez, she's a teacher! And look at me. I'm STILL in college. I've been in and out of school for the past 6 years (7 including this one), and I'm not even a senior yet!! The other day she asked "so are you ever going to get a job?" in this *god I can't believe you're such a waste* type of way. Of course I immediatly retorted an appropriote answer, namely, one that sidetracked from the question and concluded with me doing an internship soon. Which I kind of made up, but whatever. I figured I'd not have a job for awhile and just concontrate on doing well in school so I don't get too overwhelmed mentally, but it seems like everyone thinks I'm a total loser now. My dad's been asking if I'm going to get a job, his girlfriend even had him circle some for me. God I feel like such a loser. I told my dad before that I'm not getting a job so i can focus on school but he seems to have forgotten or not want to believe it. I guess I should get one, seems like I'd be less of a dissapointment then.Yesterday I went over my grandmother's again to visit with her and my cousin. We went shopping some more and ate dinner. My grandmother bitched some more about being too thin, and said she was going to tell my dad to bring me to a docter :( For the rest of the time I felt so paranoid and uncomfortable. Why can't people just leave me alone.
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