Date: Sept. 06, 2003 Time: 12:53 PM My current mood is: More meds? Smaller jeans? Kissing cuts? Tonight I might be going to a male strip club! I'm just waiting for Katie to call me back and see if I can come too (you need to make reservations first). While on the phone we were talking about medications, she was saying how she's still on Welbutrin and Zoloft, and how they work great. I'm so envious, why can't I find a medication that will work for me?? She asked if I was on anything and I said no, and we talked about me trying other meds. I dunno. I've tried so many already, I just hate the side effects, and the fact that none seem to work. Maybe I should try again. Maybe I should try the ones that can supposedly cause weight gain, I've never gotten that side effect from any meds, so maybe it would be safe to try? Like Paxil. Except I've heard bad things about it, like people not being able to stop taking it. My psych. said he didn't want to try SSRI's anymore since I had a psycho manic reaction to Prozac...yet Zoloft (another SSRI) actually worked for me (for a short period of time)! So if I tried a different SSRI...I mean it could go either way: go totally psycho or be normal and happy. Hmmm. My psych. thought it was so odd that the 2 drugs are in the same "family", yet I had such different reactions to each. So I saw Thirteen last night, it was good but definitly not a feel good movie! It was pretty depressing, yet I could relate to some of it. I mean, I didn't do all that stuff when I was 13 necessarily, but when I was older I did. It had nothing to do with EDs, contrary to what people kept saying, but she does self injure at different times in the movie. At the end (no I won't tell the whole ending, don't worry), but it really made me squirm: her mother sees the cuts on her arm and god...her mom starts kissing her cuts! Anyway, it was definitly an interesting movie, and pretty real, just don't see it expecting to walk out with a smile. I just purged :( I still have Xenadrine (with ephedra! ha!) so maybe I will start taking those again. The only problem is that they're really potent, just one pill makes me feel all weird and like I'm going to pass out. But I need to cut my appitite. It's healthier for me to just restrict to 1,000-1,200 calories a day then to be so hungry I eat more then that and then purge. Oh and you know what? Those size 14 in childrens pants I bought are already too big!! What the hell? I just bought them like 2 days ago. I mean they're not huge or anything, but I keep having to pull them up. I think Old Navy just runs big or something. I'm going to have to go to the mall and try on some other kids jeans and see what the story is. Something that's bothering me, I still feel like my sex drive is really low. What if it's Jon? Like what if I'm not attracted to him or something? What if I'm a gay? I dunno, I mean yesterday I wanted to have sex, but when we did have sex I didn't "O". I didn't really even care either. I mean he tried, but just wasn't going to happen. This NEVER used to happen to me, now it's like I just don't really think about sex, or when I do it's still not like it used to be. I'd like to ask my gyno, but I don't think I have another appt. for awhile. Honestly, if I wasn't going out with Jon I'd probably just resign myself to asexuality. I really don't feel a need for sex at all. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: