Date: Jul. 01, 2003 Time: 1:21 AM My current mood is: Needing to be saved, but from what, I don't know. So. Tomorrow I have a 6 page paper due. I haven't done any of it. I don't know why, I just can't seem to do it. Perhaps I shouldn't go back to school in the fall, if I can't even write a stupid paper. *sigh* Jon called and asked if I'd started my paper, I lied and said yes. He asked if I wanted to hang out or if I'm doing my work for the rest of the night, I said no I need to do my work. So he said "Fine!" and hung up on me. A minute later he called back and asked if I was mad at him or something, I said "Well YOU'RE the one who hung up on ME!"...he said "Oh. You're right. Sorry" and said he was being weird. So I just sat online all night, Katie came online and told me that she relapsed, she's been eating less then 1,000 calories a day, exercising 6 days a week, taking diet pills and just started taking laxatives. I already knew this of course, I can tell she's lost weight. I didn't really know what to say, I mean I want to help but as far as eating disorders go, you can't really do anything except just be there to talk. After I got off with her, I went and looked at myself in the mirror, looking chubby as hell (I am the chubbiest size one in the world, I'm sure of this). Talking to her made me wonder if I should start starving myself again. I hate that her talking to me about it triggers me a bit. The competative side of my disorder comes out, thinking....hey if she's going to be losing weight..I should too. I remember when I used to be so afraid of being 100 or more pounds. I couldn't deal with being in the triple digits. But I have no reason to go back. Right? I wish someone would talk to me. No one's online, I called Jon but he's hanging out with Mike and Hilary. Why do I even want someone to talk to, when I don't have anything to say? I want to just say save me, but how can anyone do that? And save me from what? Thoughts of wanting to cut float through my head as usual (fucking go away!!) but then I'm reminded that I like being able to wear tank tops. It's weird wearing tank tops, I haven't ever been able to really. Always had to hide the scars. Well anyway. I just feel like crap inside. I just feel so empty and hollow, sadness, sadness, sadness. This morning my dad told me about the talk he had with my sister last night, saying he said to her he would tell me too. About the whole thing of if we're having boyfriends sleep over he'll be really pissed. Then he said that when he told my sister, she implied that I've been having Jon sleep over!!! What a fucking BITCH!!! I can't believe she'd do that to me. She's been having her boyfriend sleep over since before Jon and I even started going out! And now she's going to try and get me in trouble? Jon told Mike, and Mike asked if I was going to bitch her out and kick her ass, I just said why bother. I mean really, why even fucking bother? The second I say one word to her she'll go crazy screaming at me, hurling insults... I mean she does this for the tiniest things anyway. Anyway, when my dad told me that I played it cool (I'm an awesome liar) and said "Why is she saying that? Why is she acting like she hates me lately?" and then started talking about how she flipped out at me yesterday for no reason. My dad agreed, and apparently she even bitched at HIM cause I went food shopping! What's her fucking damage?? He agreed she's being psycho. I just don't understand why she acts like she hates me. Am I that awful? I can't even talk to her anymore, the second I so much as speak one word she starts screaming at me. Oh well, I still maintain that the best way to deal with her is to spike her food with extra calories. Other then that I have no "real" way of dealing with her. I guess in a way it shows I still can't deal with problems other then resorting to food/weight. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: