Date: Jun. 23, 2003 Time: 8:21 PM My current mood is: Realizations I feel like crap. Thankfully, it's mainly physically and not from depression. I'm feeling the same type of coughing/sore throat/feel shitty feeling that I felt just a couple weeks ago, so I think I'm developing allergies. That pisses me off! When I was young I used to get hay fever, which is a type of allergies that makes you sick and is annoying, and I remember when I stopped getting it, people said when I was older I'd probably get it again. Grrr that sucks. Also, I tried putting earings back into my ears after not having them in for a year and a half. I was amazed I could still get them in. But then the real fun came when they once again got swollen, itchy, and started oozing gross stuff (which was the reason I took out my earings a year and a half ago). I think I'm allergic to that type of earing or something, I need to go get some hypo-allergenic types and see if my ears still go nuts. This is so nasty though, I took them all out of course but I have to keep squeezing tissues agaist them to get the ooze out. Yummy. It reminds me of back when that happened last year, and I refused to take out my earings...I think I let my ears be all infected/allergic for like a month or longer! It was so disgusting, but I just didn't care. I don't know, I think mentally I was just out the window, I don't know where my mind was. I mean if your ears were swollen and leaking yellow fluid, wouldn't you do something about it?? I remember finally Bud(my ex) had to force me to take them out and do something about it. I bet that's partially why he broke up with me, I think I was just way too batty for him at the time. It's weird, this whole weekend was so deja vous. I felt like I'd been thrown back into the past, but more in like a "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" type of way. If that makes sense. Ok it probably doesn't, so I'll explain. It's like I suddenly felt so horrible, but it was the same horriblness I used to feel, I felt like I was realiving a nightmare, it felt like a huge flashback. The flashback feelings were of last spring/summer. Last spring/summer was awful. I don't even think it was just of that time, it was also how I felt right before I went into recovery about 6 months ago. It was this horrible, horrible suicidal pain. At the time I was haveing major problems functioning due to my physical/mental health, kept skipping work because I was just too sick to go. I was thrown back into that depression, that exact same one, and it scared me to death. I felt like I was going to die, yet I'm not sure why. Maybe because the last time I felt this way, I also felt like I was going to die, but it was a very real possibility. I can't do it. I can't go back to bulimia or anorexia. That emotional flashback, as I stuck my fingers down my throat and avoided meals this weekend, the horror I felt inside...the awful depression, the feeling that if I had to go on like this then I would have to kill myself....I can't do it. And knowing that starvation and purging can cause/worsen depression, I REFUSE to do that. I refuse to put myself in a situation that would make my depression worse. Because what I realized this weekend, is that for about a month I felt GOOD. I mean, really good. I wasn't depressed. And that's a fucking HUGE deal for me. And if I can just get that again, if I can just make that happen more and longer....why would I want to jeoperdize that?? The other day Jon told me that I seem pretty mentally stable, do you realize how much that meant to me? How offguard that took me? Cause when he said that I thought "Whoa..I think he's kind of right!". I've been doing so well, and I need to get back to that. I can't just throw it away. I just wish I knew what to do to make happiness stay. I wish there was some magic pill. Unfortunatly no magic pills work for me. But I'm going to keep doing what I was doing before (vitamins, etc.), as well as now taking SAM-e pills. I can't go back to that sickness, I won't. I've come too far, been too content, learned too much then to just say fuck it and go back to living in hell. At the time I didn't know it was hell, but now I do. At the time it was just normal life to me. I think with all people who have eating disorders it's like that, you don't realize how awful your life is until you get better, and you look back and think what the FUCK??? So when onlylittle asks why bother to recover, that's why. Because right now you don't realize, but when you get better, that's when you look back and know that your life was a mess. Am I done with my rant? I think so. Anyway, the other night I was playing around with my new Random entry link, and was transfixed at my former self. I know that sounds egocentrical to be reading through my own diary, but it was weird...remembering how I felt, seeing how obsessed I was, seeing how shitty I felt. It really made me realize how much better I've been doing in the past 6 months. Even though I haven't been in perfect recovery this entire time, my god I feel so much better. I mean obviously this weekend I didn't but still. I'd also like to say that my boobs are huge right now. I didn't gain weight, it's because I have Fibrocystic boobs(not a *real* problem, just an annoyance), and for some reason they "got better" for years and now they're going back to getting bigger/hurting before my period. Why is this? I have no idea. Jon was pretty damn happy about it though lol, and insisted he "inspect" them ;) Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: