Date: Jun. 22, 2003 Time: 5:08 AM My current mood is: Failure Alright fine, I'll talk about it. I'll spill. But only because it's 5am, and mind you this is THE only reason. Where should I start? Well, Friday I guess. Friday I went to an AA meeting for my substance abuse class, and took Jon and Hilary with me. Afterwards we picked up Katie and all got drunk(ironicly). Except I didn't get my usual "happy drunk" self. You see, over the past several days, I've felt more depressed, as well as becoming increasingly wanting to go back to eating disordered behaviors, thinking I look huge and fat, and getting weird about eating again. So I start drinking and of course I get more and more depressed(not from the alcohol), more then I've been in quite awhile. I sat silently staring off in a daze while everyone else chatted, no one really noticing. I ate chips, then debated over and over whether I should purge, feeling nothing but apathetic towards a decision. I was too depressed to care, so I got up, went to the bathroom, and purged. Then afterwards I went home and ate/threw up again. And then today ate and threw up 4 times. So now I sit, my throat sore, stomach acid forming a nice little pool in the back of my throat, wondering what's next. Where do I go from here? I was feeling ok, I know I was. What happened? I feel like I've been punched in the head repeatedly by Mike Tyson, not physically but emotionally. I don't even want to go to bed because falling asleep means waking up, and I don't know how to handle tomorrow. I want to be thin again. But I was really doing so well with recovery. It's hard to think rationally. I want to starve myself like I used to, be 95lbs, nice and skinny...well, at the time I didn't think I was skinny, but still. Thoughts of cutting myself swim through my head almost constantly over the past couple days, it's been rough not giving in. My wants of wearing short sleeves prevails though. It's embarrising. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone. How will I feel tomorrow? Will I be able to eat normal again, put all this behind me? Or will I be too afraid to eat or keep food down? I don't know. Failure. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: