Date: Jun. 16, 2003 Time: 12:37 AM My current mood is: Painful inside *Does anyone else other then susanb have problems with my links? There's something wrong with my page but I'm not sure what...hmmmm. It feels painful inside...like if you got a gaping wound in your arm, the painful sting making you want to scream. That's what it feels like inside, my insides turning to heavy cement. I feel a little better now since Jon was just over. I asked him why can't I be emotionless? He asked me why would I want to be, and I just stared unable to comprehend how he wouldn't understand that, how he wouldn't want that too. "Isn't that optimal?" I asked, again he asked why I would want to feel nothing. Sure I feel good things. But isn't it best to feel nothing at all? Isn't that the goal? Apparently not. I went to my aunt/grandfather's house tonight to wish him a happy father's day and give him his present. He opened the card then proceeded to lecture me because I only had only signed it with love, and hadn't written anything in the card, saying it meant nothing. So my aunt and him told me I had to sit there and write in the card how I felt about him. Embarrisment scortched me inside, sitting there with a pen put in my hand, both of them watching me. I wrote the card, then my aunt read it outloud, and cried (as usual). Then someone called and she read the card to them too. I shrank in embarrisment. I can't believe they actually made me sit there and write out how I felt on the card as they sat right there. My aunt took out some chocolate pecans for me to eat. Of course my grandfather told me I shouldn't be eating them. Then my aunt said I could take it home for me and my sister, and my grandfather said "You'll probably eat the whole thing by tomorrow, won't you?". Shame filled me and I said no. Why does he always say that?? Whenever he give me candy he always says "Don't eat it all at once!", and it will be like a huge amount. It always makes me feel like such a pig. I told Jon about this and he said that's because my family has issues with food, and that my grandfather would probably eat it all in one sitting, so he just thinks I would too. I guess that makes sense, it's still very hard to hear him say things like that though. My sister went over there earlier in the day, she didn't bother to ask if I wanted to come with her or anything, infact it seems like she made a pretty good point in going alone and not asking me to come. Why does she hate me so much? Today I was actually nice and talkative to my dad. We went to Walgreens then went out to eat with my sister and friends of the family. My sister was being rude to my dad of course, I mean she could at least put off being a bitch till after father's day, ya think? I made some mean comment to her which pissed her off, but I didn't care I was pleased. She's always being a huge bitch to me, saying nasty stuff out of nowhere, and I'm left feeling hurt. Why should I put up with that? I decided from now on I'll just be a huge bitch to her too, regardless if it is provocked or not. She's made it very clear she doesn't give a damn about me, so why should I give a damn about her? She pretty much completely avoids me, and anytime I try to talk to her she makes rude comments and acts condisending. It just really hurts me that she acts like this, I have no idea what I did to her or what her problem is. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: