Date: Jun. 05, 2003 Time: 9:08 AM My current mood is: Why am I not tired? I should be sleeping. Why am I up? My sister wanted me to take her to get her car fixed at 8am. Of course I agreed...though she hasn't spoken to me since we got in that fight. I kind of felt like a doormat for saying yes but otherwise she would have screamed and thrown a fit, and honestly I did NOt want to hear it. So I'm up now cause I can't get back to sleep, I've had trouble sleeping these past few nights, I think due to my medication. I'll finally get to sleep but then I'll keep waking up and falling back asleep, and end up just getting 6 hours. Hopefully that will go away, just like my tiredness symptom went away. I just made some hot cocoa though so everything's ok :) Except I got the kind without marshmellows, what was I thinking?? Eh, fluff will have to do. I got offered a job interview! Yay! It's a receptionist job at a veterinary clinic...except it's in the city. Which I wouldn't mind, except that it's just a part time job, I don't know if it would be worth it. It may cost just as much to get there as I would be getting in pay! And I mean taking the subway, cause if you know Boston there's NO way in hell I could manage to find a parking space. Oh one side effect from my med., it totally takes away my appetite. This isn't really a good thing, cause it makes it hard for me to eat normal. I literally can barely eat during the day, at night the medication is wearing off so I'm able to eat more though. I hope this doesn't trigger me too much. I saw Finding Nemo, and it was really good! Finally a good Disney movie comes out. Hehe, I know if Tammy's reading this she's thinking "You're obsessed with fish!!". The other day something weird happened. I actually looked forward to my future! See my whole life, I've seen the future as something that would get progressivly worse, something dark,grey and cold. But suddenly I find myself thinking "I can't wait to see what happens!". Suddenly I felt like right now is such a small part of my life, I realized how much longer I have to live, but in a good way. I realized one day I will look back at right now and say "Ah, I remember that. I knew nothing then." and shake my head with a smile. Who will I be then? I feel like I'll be so much better in the future, I will have found myself more, come to terms with more things, feel confident and like myself. I seriously have never thought this before. I always just figured life would get so awful that I would eventually kill myself, always thinking that would happen probably in the next few years. Infact I've been thinking that "kill myself in the next few years" thought for so long, I don't even know when it originated. I mean I've been suicidal since elementary school(don't remember if I was before that), so that's a pretty damn long time. And I can't remember thinking anything else. Until now. Weird. To actually live...now that's an interesting idea. The thought that my future will be awesome... I don't even know what to end that sentence with. Perhaps things have only begun. Perhaps right now is just a tiny spec of time in my life. Perhaps one day I will look back and barely remember right now because things will be so wonderful and fufilling. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: