Date: May. 24, 2003
Time: 1:18 AM
My current mood is:
Seeeeexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!
Jon just went home. Tonight we had wonderful sex! Before this, I had started kissing him and suddenly realized: I wanted him. Badly. Finally, the effects of the stupid birth control patch are wearing off! I'd praticly forgotten what it's like to have a sex drive. I've felt so ashamed and embarrised this whole time, feeling like less of a person, like I was damaged in some way. I can't even explain what it's like to be like that. Especially since it's been like this for years...antidepressant after antidepressant, each destroying my sex drive and abilities. All I want is to be normal, and I honestly am thinking of cancelling my appt. with my psychiatrist, I just can't go through this again. I mean on one hand, what if the answer to all my problems lays in a pill I just haven't tried yet? But what if I just go through another bunch of pills that just make me more miserable, their side effects knocking me in the head repeatedly? I can't help it, I'm a sexual person, and being asexual just...in the past I haven't minded but I want to be myself again. But I want to do well in school and be able to graduate. I want to be happy, and not go through these waves of depression which drown the life out of me. So I upped the amount of amino acids I'm taking in hopes that it would help. Last night I couldn't sleep till 7am so I read(and finished) a book called Undoing Depression, about treating depression through vitamins/supplements/amino acids. I'm already on this vitamin kick, so I pretty much knew a lot of the info the guy was saying, but it was still an informative read. I just wonder if it will work. So I finally talked to Julie! She had her baby boy Adam last night. I told her I'm coming to visit her tomorrow, she seemed totally surprised and happy, as if she didn't think I would :P Of course I'm going to visit her!! I've know her since I was 8 years old. It's SO fucking bizarre to know she has a baby now, I mean I thought it was weird her being married but a baby?? I remember when she was just *this* high, they grow up fast. Tonight I told Jon that a few years back I got pregnent. I've been wanting to tell him for awhile but I've just been to nervious. He just held me and we talked about it. He's so good to me :) I'm currently creating my new layout, from the extremely minor things I have done with it, it's sooooo pretty! Much more work to be done though, I'm pretty damn lazy, so who knows when it will be done. Just know it will look very nice.
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