Date: May. 12, 2003 Time: 8:44 PM My current mood is: Medication? Well I was in a good mood but then I just had a talk with my dad, and now I can feel the weight of depression looming over my head. We talked about me going back to school. Basiclly he was saying shit about how he doesn't want me to fail out, he doesn't want it to be a waste of money, that I HAVE to be on medication (grrr), and that I have to pay for the courses first, and if I pass then he'll give me money back from the trust fund to pay! Yeah right, like I could afford that! So I got him to change his mind about that, saying that if I failed any courses then I'd pay. So all his talk about thinking I'm going to fail just made me feel crappy. And medication...I've been on 10 different psychiatric medications already! But I guess I should try some other ones, see if they work. It kind of sucks too that my dad only thinks I have Attention Deficit Disorder(ADD), and doesn't even realize I'm way more fucked then that. I wish I could just tell him I have clinical depression, but it's easier for me to let him think I just have a learning problem then to think I have emotions...cause depression=bad emotions, emotions=I don't know, just not something good. Anyway, I've been trying to use supplements to help my depression and whatever else, not sure if they're working but hey I figure it's worth a shot you know? I'm taking: one flaxseed oil pill, one flaxseed/fish oil/borage oil pill, one vitamin B complex, one Centrum Performance vitamin, 2 amino acid complex pills, and one Ultra Tums split in half(half in the morning half at night) which is about 800mg of Calcium as well as helping my stomach acid. Of course then there's the plethora of digestive pills I take throughout the day, so all together I take about 15 pills a day on average. I'm surprised my body doesn't explode! Blech, I'm binging right now! I'm eating frosting straight from the can, yuuuuuummmm. I've actually been extremely good with my eating, if I've been a lot ever it's mainly fruits, veggies, pretzels, basicly healthy stuff. I don't think I've been binging at all though cause I've constantly with Jon, and we eat almost the same amount. Part of the reason I haven't binged at all too is that I'm very much into eating things with nutrients. Like when I eat white bread for example, it bothers me, cause it should be wheat/grains. I always look at the backs of food, but not to read the calories now, to read what vitains and how much protein is in it. So I mainly stick to healthy food. You know, I'm almost worried about developing Orthorexia. Of course I'm not saying I have it, I'm just saying that it's common for people with EDs to get obsessed with food in one way or another, and to switch disorders. Yesterday(Mothers Day) was ok. I was holding my breath about how my aunt was going to react, to see if she would pretend to be my mom like she did before, but she didn't say anything this time. The thing that made me upset though was that I overheard my sister saying to my dad that she wanted me out of the house. I immediatly went into the room and let them know I heard what they were saying, it really hurt me a lot. Why does my sister have to be so mean and hurtful? Especially on Mothers Day, I already have to deal with my mom being dead, but also be told I'm unwanted here? Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: