Date: May. 01, 2003 Time: 11:27 PM My current mood is: My horny boyfriend Sheesh! It's been hard to update. I'm with Jon all the time, and when I'm not with him I'm binge/purging. I'm tired right now, I b/p'd 4 times in a row tonight, will be doing a 5th in a little while. Yesterday I finally applied to a job, it's for a dog kennel manager position, I hope I get it! Seriously how rad would that be, managing a kennel, playing with dogs all day? Yesterday Jon and I got into a small fight. Basiclly he got all attitude on me cause I didn't want to have sex, cause we hadn't done it in a few days. What a brat! But we talked about it and he just felt like I didn't find him attractive anymore or something. I wanted to tell him that part of it is my sex drive is gone from lack of food(well, keeping it down), but once again I chickened out. I just know he would get upset, and then he'd get paranoid everytime we have sex. I don't know what to do though, I mean obviously the answer is to eat more but..uffff. So I don't know, I guess I'll just keep pretending that I want sex. Maintain some illusion of normalcy. Speaking of that stuff, Jon once again brought up my weight. I wish he wouldn't, I don't know what he wants me to say. I want to be 95lbs again, and I feel so guilty for that. He's complaining now and I'm barely underweight, what's he going to say then? He asked me what happens if I become emaciated and have to choose between my disorder and him...I told him not to ask me questions like that, I can't know the future. I mean I told him when I was recovered that I could relapse, he knew what could happen. I still feel so guilty for it though, I don't want to hurt him, or anyone for that matter. Apparently he misses my ass, theighs, and boobs. Oh well! My physical therapy's going really well! Each week they measure how much I can move my arm, and it's improving a lot. I'm so glad! It's weird after it becoming so bad, how now suddenly I'm able to use it more again, I can actually use both hands to drive now :) This place is so much better then the other place. I feel bad though, the 2 girls that work there always talk to me and ask me questions, they must think I'm rude because I don't talk much, I'm just really shy. I've never gotten over my fear of people I don't know, though it is better then it used to be. Tomorrow I'm taking Julie's urine to the hospital, they found she's leaking protein again which could mean the pregnency is causing strain on her body/health. I hope she's ok...she said they may have to induce labor now if they find it's too much for her body to handle. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: