Date: Apr. 27, 2003 Time: 6:14 PM My current mood is: My life is a dump So last night was the wedding (Jon's friend). It was held at the Aquarium, kinda odd huh? I can now say I've given a blow job at the Aquarium, lol! Yep. Jon's so lucky to have a slutty girlfriend like me. We wanted to have sex there but were too chicken, so afterwards we got a hotel room. Today was Julie's baby shower. She's really big now! I felt really out of place and alone amongst everyone, I sat silent except for when Katie talked to me. I feel like I've lost touch with the human race, like I've lost my title as "person" and am now some...I don't know, some dirty creature, a city rat crawling through the darkness trying not to be seen. Everyone asked Katie how she was doing, she talked about how she's student teaching inner city kids because she likes the challenge, how she's almost done with school and will be getting her Masters degree, applying to different teaching jobs, how she's a personal care assistant for a handicapped girl.... all the while I sat quietly, shrinking into myself, hoping no one asked me about my life("Are you in school?" "No." "Where are you working?" "Nowhere."). I feel like such a nothing. I thought about how farther ahead she is, and how lame and stupid my existance is, briefly thinking my only option was suicide. But not to fear, for I am a masochist, and what better self injury then forcing yourself to stay alive and deal with the worthlessness/uselessness of your life? Hehe, I bet if I said that to Christopher he'd roll his eyes and say "oh you're soooo goth". I think The Birth Control Patch is making it difficult for me to have sex. I also seem to have lost my sex drive due to malnutrion. This is really bothering me and I don't know how to tell Jon this.... I almost told him the other day but I'm so embarrised, how do you tell someone that you've lost your sex drive from starving yourself?? He'll be so upset at me :( I feel so tainted, everytime we have sex I feel like I have something wrong with me and I feel horribly guilty. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: