Date: Apr. 13, 2003 Time: 10:17 PM My current mood is: "I lost a pound!" the pregnant friend happily exclaims Is it possible to simultaniously feel numb and depressed? Or does that contridict itself? Well, if it is possible, that's how I feel. I feel hollow inside, like the only thing inside is a damp rainy feel. Jon and I went over Hilary's and Mike's apartment last night. I felt uncomfortable, tried to hold conversation with Hilary but couldn't help but feel unwelcomed and hated. I told Jon that Hilary hates me now, but he said he has no idea why I think this. It's true though, I can feel the dislike and anger seething in her when she talks to me. Jon doesn't see it, but I do. Today Katie came over, and I felt extremely boring. I haven't hung out with her in forever, but I couldn't help but wish she would leave. Not cause I dislike her, but I just felt so boring and uninteresting, I felt like an idiot having her over. My friends hate me I know it. I'm so uninteresting and not entertaining, just nothingness inside. I don't blame them for not liking me, I mean I admit I have pushed them away. I can't even really say it's cause Jon's moved here, and I've latched on to him or something, even when he was still in New York I never hung out with any of my friends that much. At least I have him still. I don't know why I don't hang out with them, I just feel like I don't want to bother them by calling, why the hell would anyone want to hang out with me? I'm just so antisocial lately. I'm doing a bit better with eating, I'm eating almost normal and puking only once a day now. I'm not sure how much this is contributed by me just not being able to b/p cause I'm with Jon praticly 24/7 now, but either way it's still good right? And today I ate a McDonalds value meal and kept it down! So I'm not starving myself, though not totally healthy, slowely making some headway. I can't stand this whole thinness craze our culture has. It's fucking ridiculous! Just the other day Julie who is now in her 8th month of pregnancy proudly proclaimed "I lost a pound!". WHAT THE FUCK??? That's insane. You're not supposed to be losing weight when you're about to be having a child! I don't know what to say to her. It really bothers me how much she talks about her weight now, I wish she would talk more about how happy she is to be having a kid, not about how "fat" she looks. Pregnancy in our society should be celebrated, not thought of as "getting fat". Alright Jon's coming over, gotta go! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: