Date: Apr. 03, 2003 Time: 12:36 AM My current mood is: I'm boring and don't really exist Good lord I've eaten us out of house and home! I swear there's absolutly nothing good to eat, I need to cut back on the eating and puking, I've sunken to the level of eating ham,cheese with mustard sandwiches....normal to most, but personally I don't dig on swine. I don't even know what to say to people anymore, what else is there to talk about besides eating and throwing up? Eating, yeah that can be a fairly common discussion, but throwing up isn't exactly a conversation starter. So to anyone reading this who also IM's me... sorry that I'm boring, I really just no life other then b/p'ing. Today I looked at a couple job papers, whew! Yeah, that's about all I was ready to do as far as jobs go. Just reading the job descriptions wore me out. I swear, I'll get a job soon. No really, I will. Honestly I'm just not sure what to do though.... the age old arguement of should I first check my ass into a day treatment hospital, get a fulltime job, or get a part time job so I can start school? I Don't know. Part of the reason I'm just sitting around and not job hunting is that, I just don't know what to do...cause once I find a job, no more option for day treatment. Yet I don't feel like I can go right now.....blah! I'm worried that if I go it will be a complete waste. I'm the type of person where if I'm going to go, I better damn become totally recovered or I will be royally pissed at myself. Dilema: I'm going to New York on friday to help bring all Jon's stuff here on Saturday...the problem is that his parents are cooking another big meal cause I'm coming....fuck!!! I feel so guilty purging at his house, especially when he KNOWS I'm going to the bathroom to purge. How humiliating. I can't believe how understanding and nice he is to me..letting your girlfriend puke at your house *shakes head* I feel like I should do something for him. I'm not nice enough. I can't wait till he finally lives here, and he can become my "real" boyfriend, and not just a weekend one! We've been together for 3 months. I hope it lasts another 3 months...and more after that. This morning my sister like, hung out with me. It was weird. I was freaked out inside, her just sitting on my bed talking to me. We watched tv, her making comments about the shows, me shoving my face into my book, my only defense against her niceness. After awhile she left cause I was just reading. I just didn't know what else to do....my sister hasn't really talked to me more then 2 minutes in like, god knows how long, and when she does she's not very friendly at all. I miss it so much, yet I could never speak those words to her, or show that I care. I just....I don't know how not to be afraid of my dad or sister talking to me. I'm just not used to it. I feel so stuck in myself, hiding behind my wall, even when I want to reach out I can't. I wish my sister liked me. I feel like a phantom in my house. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: