Date: Apr. 02, 2003 Time: 3:58 AM My current mood is: "There has got to be more to life then just being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking" (title is a quote from Zoolander) I should be sleeping right now, it's 3:30am and I have to be up at 8:30am! Only because that's when the carpet people are coming to put down the carpets. I'll probably just go back to sleep, though my dad said I have to "watch them" to make sure they don't steal anything...yeah right, like I'm going to do that. Today was an odd day, it was Hit On Me Day. I opened my mail, and I got a letter from my exboyfriend Charlie. What happened was the other day when I was binging at Wendy's, I saw him there, but I didn't think he saw me. Well he did, and he wrote me that letter, it was all saying how even after all these years he feels so guilty for treating me like shit, how it's his biggest regret, he even threw in a reference to the war, and wanted to know how I'm doing. God, like I CARE? Honestly, he's a fucking idiot and I don't care at all how he's doing. He was a dick to me, I've moved on. I don't want his apologies. So I'm not going to respond, I'm just wondering why he even bothered writing it. For dinner I decided to be brave and go to a BUFFET! Yep, a bulimic's dream...all you can eat. It was so damn expensive though, almost $10! So I went and b/p'd twice there. As I was walking out in a purge induced haze, some guy said "Hey", I turned around, he said "Do you have a boyfriend?" I told him yes, and he told me I was cute, then proceeded to ask if he would look good with a nose ring. I was like uuuh I don't know..maybe...I guess it depends... and he went on about getting a nose ring. What a weirdo! How random. After that I called Jim and met him at the bar with Big Jack, Yanick and some other guys. Had a couple drinks, and was wishing I could order some food and binge there but didn't. Jim and I then went over his house and watched Zoolander. While we were watching it he started kissing my neck! I pushed him away and told him to quit it, and we got into this big discussion of why we can't make out. I kept telling him no I didn't want to, I have a boyfriend, I want to just be friends with him, and he kept telling me I'm no fun. Well poo on him. I didn't tell him this but honestly I'm not even attracted to him anymore. I mean he's a good looking guy, I can see that, but we've been just friends for so long I can't imagine kissing him anymore. Oh and for some reason Jon thought I was pregnent. AND I saw my stalker Travis. So sheesh, I don't know what was up with yesterday and guys. I lost some more weight. I'm trying to be as lazy as possible to try to not lose weight, it's slowely coming off anyway though. I know that sounds weird that I don't want to lose weight yet I'm barely keeping much down, but I just feel like I don't want to fully commit to anything...I want to straddle the fence of recovery and being sick. Like if I'm normal weight, I can still get better, but if I get underweight, I know it will be twice as hard. Also I feel like a fraud because there isn't something "making" me do this. Like times I've relapsed before, they were responses to things that happened in my life that I didn't know how to handle. This time nothing happened, so I don't have the fucked up-ness...it's kind of hard to explain. I guess I just don't feel this horribly desperate need to lose weight, so I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't, but then again it'd be really easy to. Eh, I don't know, I'm just confused as usual, don't know what to do with myself. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: