Date: Mar. 12, 2003 Time: 11:47 AM My current mood is: A fight Last night was weird. After I wrote that entry, I talked to Jon. Out of nowhere he started saying he wasn't sure how he felt about "us", he wasn't sure of his feelings towards me, and that this weekend was really weird. I was really convinced that he's reading this diary, but then again maybe he's just really perceptive....Jon if you are reading this diary you are a piece of shit for not telling me. *ahem* Anyway. I was kinda shocked cause he didn't act like anything was wrong till last night. We talked about how this past weekend was odd, wasn't the same as usual. I'm not even sure why it wasn't, usually when we're together things are great, this past weekend seemed strained. He said he does care about me, but I seemed distant, somewhere else. I was honest and told him a lot of what I said in the last entry, about how I think he puts me on a pedistal and is too emotional to me. He got very defensive, spitting out words with a bitterness that dare I say, impressed me. The whole way he spoke changed, an angry bitter cold tone, I kind of liked it. I didn't like that we were fighting of course, but seeing this other side of him satisfied me. Perhaps I'm just bored of him always trying to be nice to me? Not that I don't appreciate it, I guess I'd like him to just be himself, and if that includes him being angry with me, that's what I want. I don't want him to always be happy with me, as much as it also hurts me for him to be angry. While he spoke in his icy anger for a brief moment I fantasized about having sex with him. I'm so odd lol. I did end up crying though because I felt like he wasn't going to care about me anymore and that he was going to leave me. Ufff, blatent display of emotion on my part. I asked if he thought I've been less emotional lately, and he said yes. He said for the past couple weeks I've been distant. I'm wondering if this has to do with me relapsing, because over the past few weeks is when I've really been keeping barely anything down. It seems like the further into my eating disorder I get, the less I can feel. I am numb. Not completely, but much more so then when I was in recovery. All my feelings have deadened, both good and bad. It reminds me of a story Jon told me, about a man with gloves. Actually here's the quote, it's from The World According to Garp: "He can do wonders when he's wearing his magic gloves. If his wife is sad, he touches her with his gloves, she's happy. If his children are crying, he touches them, and they smile. But he can't feel them! He yearns to feel. He can even hold off death with his magic gloves, but he can't feel life. So, he takes off the gloves, and he dies. But, he finally feels life as he's flying into the arms of death." I'm losing my feelings. But that's what I wanted right? I hate feeling right? But you cannot get rid of the bad without also getting rid of the good. In order to feel, you must feel anger along with happiness, caring along with hurt. When I was eating normal I was angry all the time. I'm not angry anymore. But I'm not really anything anymore. Anyway, so he's coming up here this weekend and we agreed to have A Talk. Neither one of us wants to break up, so hopefully we can come to some sort of conclusion. Today I'm 107 pounds. I've lost 8lbs so far, still got more to go. It's not that I'm dissatisfied with my body, I think I look relatively normal. I can't explain it. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: