Date: Feb. 24, 2003 Time: 10:11 AM My current mood is: Enough. I should be at work right now, but I didn't feel like going. Hey fuck them right? But it got me thinking, as did an the episode of Charmed I just watched (ick what a terrible show)... I need to do something with myself, get my act together. I'm 23 years old and I still live at home, I'm not showing up to work cause I don't *feel like it*, and of course my job is to where a name tag and say "Hi can I help you?", which of course I am quitting so soon I won't have a job at all. I make messes, don't help around the house, don't pay rent (I used to, not anymore), dropped out of school twice, and here I am throwing up again barely able to digest food. What the fuck? Why am I such a loser? I do absolutly nothing, I AM absolutly nothing. God...how disappointed my Mom would be in me if she were alive. Sometimes people tell me that my Mom is looking down on me watching everything I do, they say this to make me feel good. They don't realize hearing that makes me want to cry, makes me want to die of shame. I hope my Mom isn't watching me, I wouldn't want her to know what I am, to see the life I live. For her to know I'm such a disappointment is too unbareable to even think about. Is this all there is for me in life? This bleakness? Last night I felt so sick it was awful. Odd how all I have to do is start puking once a day and immediatly my digestive system shuts down. It's not like I'm not keeping food down, I am. But god it sucks on my stomach. I should go to a docter, not the one I have now cause he sucks but a different one. Perhaps there is something they can give me to help? I Don't know if they make medication for digestion. I do still have my acid reflux problem though, so I need to ask about that. Infact my throat burns right now. Last night after I threw up I ate a hot pocket, just to prove that I could. After I felt sick I decided enough of this silliness, I'm going to get better!!! I hate feeling sick from eating, I want it to go away, the only way that will happen is to just eat normal and eventually I will feel better. So I need to do that, cause this is just retarded. Also still thinking about going to an ED clinic like what my therapist suggested. I'm so afraid to go though, I'm too recovered to go. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: