Date: Feb. 05, 2003 Time: 8:34 PM My current mood is: Goddamn this noise inside my head. I came online cause once again, it's distracting me from wanting to purge. I feel sick. Yesterday I swear I almost gave in to the urge but somehow I didn't...I binged so much uffff! Honestly, I need to do something. My eating habits are going to make me end up going back to my disorder, I swear I eat way over 2,000 calories a day. You want to here something gross? I eat at McDonalds about 4-5 times a week. I eat a candybar everyday. All I crave is junk food. But I've heard other people say this craving is normal after quiting an eating disorder, it's like your body is so used to be starved you go overboard when you start to eat again. But still, this is not helping me, and it's not very healthy. It's just really hard lately, the thoughts in my head battling it out, I feel like the recovery aspect and the eating disorder aspect are almost equal in my mind, so I never know what to follow...constant noise in my damn head about how horrible I am. I'm afraid I'm going to relapse soon, I kinda want to go somewhere or do something to help prevent it, but I don't know where? I don't want to do that day clinic my therapist suggested before. I'm afraid anything I do for it will just trigger me more. Like an eating disorder group therapy...the whole time I know I will just sit there and feel like killing myself cause I'm the fattest there! I know myself, I know I will do that. So I don't know. It just sucks so much, the constant noise inside, I'm going to go insane!! Today I was thinking: Is this my life? Lately I keep thinking about it, how I don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I could be a famous journalist.... I'm so confused, maybe I'll go back to school next year, but I don't know. I really want to quit my job. What if I finally major in something, only to find I don't actaully want to do that for a career? What if my calling in life is to be something gross like giving brazilian waxs?? I just can't stand the realization that I work at a pet store for a living. I'm such a goddamn loser. Ok, I'm still trying to find out what would be the best way to maintain decent water for my fish tank (PH is 9.2, hardness is off the chart). I was reading in a fish magazine at work (ya I'm a geek lol) of someone who has a similar problem, the answer was that the only thing he could do was to buy a reverse osmosis thingy. Ya right, I ain't buying shit. I'm toying with the idea of mixing distilled water with my tap water, since distilled has a low PH and like no hardness. But do I really want to buy jugs of water? No, not really. Grrrr...damn Boston water!! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: