Date: Feb. 03, 2003 Time: 1:13 PM My current mood is: "Sitting on an angry chair, angry walls that steal the air" Fucking rage and hostility....I walk around wanting to punch walls, throw things, smash things. I wrote to my therapist and she told me basiclly to allow myself to feel the anger and that it's ok to be angry at certain things. But I don't know what I'm angry at, I just randomly want to scream at people, tell everyone to fuck off and get away from me. I feel bad cause I've been being a bitch, I mean normally I don't take my anger/emotions on other people, but with so much rage it keeps slipping, bursts of fire shoot out of my mouth and through my actions. I feel bad for my dad, I'm being completely intolerable to him, I constantly leave messes out then hostily refuse to clean them up. I keep calling him an asshole and walking out the door as he's still talking to me. Right now I'm listening to Eminem, I feel like i can match my anger to his, seriously listen to his lyrics and that is how pissed off I am. And I've been moody with Jon, I feel bad. I alternately tell him how much I care about him, then become icy and cold, pushing him away. I know it hurts him, but I can't help it. He's just so...overwhelming at times. He constantly talks about his emotions, about how he misses me and cares about me, how much I affect him. I know it's nice of him and great things to hear someone say, but part of me wants to run far far away when I hear those things. Why can't he just be cool and unemotional? It would certainly be easier for me. I don't understand why he's not like that, why does he just tell me his feelings?? Sometimes I feel like he's suffocating me, and it makes me angry and cold, it makes me feel like I don't like him. And then I get scared, what if I don't actually like my boyfriend? What if he moves here and I don't want him? But then my mind changes and I appreciate how wonderful he is to me. I feel like he's chasing me, and I'm always running. Only when he stops to catch his breath do I walk back over. I tried to explain to him by compairing it to waking up in the morning. Like being in a dark room, and suddenly someone just turns the lights on, and they're so bright you sheild your eyes, it hurts to open them. I need him to dim the lights, my eyes are not adjusted. I compaired it to being frostbiten, and he asked if I was quoting lyrics and said I'm poetic :P I guess I just wish he'd give me a chance to appreciate him instead of overwhelming me so much. We talked a little more about me eating disorder, he's so understanding. He said he would imagine that it's a harder addiction to quit then heroin, I'd have to agree. Bah, why am I such a bitch to him? Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: