Date: Jan. 24, 2003
Time: 5:39 PM
My current mood is:
Roadkill
Called out of work sick today cause I was so depressed. I ate a ton all day and my stomach is NOT happy now, ouuuch. I feel sick. I mainly just layed in bed, didn't even watch tv or anything, just hopeless and sad. Jon's coming tonight, after much confusion. First he wanted to come down and I said not to, then yesterday I said I changed my mind I wanted him to but he said he shouldn't, and then today he said he wanted to and I agreed. Of course when I got off the phone with him my head screamed "NOOOOO! Don't let him see you! You're too hidious, how embarrising!!" and I seriously wanted to call him back and tell him not to. But I didn't, I need to try to remain sane for him. He keeps asking me what's wrong lately but I just say I'm fine, nothing's wrong. Yet even typing this entry is something forced, zapping my energy. I just want to crawl back into bed to get away from everything. I feel bad that I called in sick today, apparently 3 people already called out which is a lot, but honestly I just couldn't, too depressed.Tonight Hilary and I are going clubbing. I need to shake off this blackness and get some energy to go. Hey at least it's a goth club, so it's ok to look depressed, right? Just thinking of what I'm going to wear makes me want to die though, thinking of the clothes hugging my protruding stomach, knowing I'll look giganticly fat and just sick. I just want to drape myself in baggy clothes to hide my awfulness. I'm still in my pajamas and it's 5:30pm. Why is it my depression and self image seem to come and go together? The more depressed I get the more upset I get about being fat. Weird.
A block of ice can sometimes appear to be more emotional than you. Try tearing down that wall every now and again; you might be surprised with the results.
How do people see you?
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