Date: Jan. 23, 2003 Time: 7:43 PM My current mood is: Repulsive disgusting vile ME! Blah. Sad sad sad. Not really sure what happened but over the past few hours I became depressed. I feel like lying in bed and crying. Perhaps it's cause I went clothes shopping today. I discovered I'm a size 4 in pants, which made me want to beat someone. Logically I know that's not considered a huge number, but god it's disgusting on me. I kept thinking how at one time a size zero was baggy on me, how I used to wear childrens pants....now a size 4. I bought a pair of pants, I was glad that they're higher then some of the pants I have, for some unknown reason I have ultra low rise pants which greatly inhance my side/back fat, GROSS! So these are low but much higher, very good thing. Before this I went to Walmart, where apparently my boobs don't exist. Yep. Couldn't find a 34D bra anywhere! They just don't carry them. All they had was like 48D bras, apparently people with my size boobs have to be twice my size, it's some unwritten law. Anyway, I was going to go shopping tonight at the mall but I'm too depressed to, I'll have to see. I wish Jon was online, even though it's not like I couldn't just call him. He called me last night, and asked what would I think if he came down here this weekend again (he's come down for the past 3 weekends to see me). I told him no, that we should just do other things this weekend but that I'm looking forward to him coming next weekend. Now I feel like an idiot saying that, cause I DO want him to come here! There are 2 reasons I didn't want him to come- one was that I thought it would be nice to have some space. But what the fuck, I only see him on weekends how is that not enough space?? Reason 2 is that I'm too embarrised to allow him to see me. I'm just too gross and disgusting. Too overweight. It's just shameful to even see myself in the mirror, I'm so embarrised for myself. I feel like franticly telling him that I used to be thinner, just to let him know, so he knows I wasn't always like this... I mean it's not fair to him, he likes me yet he has to just deal with my body being the way it is, I feel like it's just not right. Yet how is it right for me to get underweight and have him deal with that? He says my body is perfect, the words sting and make me wonder how he can think that, and sad to know he's probably just saying it for me to feel better. I haven't weighed myself in awhile, don't even want to know how much I am. Actually every time I weigh myself I'm the same weight 110-112. But I just KNOW I must have gained, my face looks fuller, I swear I look like I'm 125 again!! But, have to calm down, my pants fit the same as always, so I would assume that means I am the same. "I thought the future held a perfect place for us That together we would learn to be the best that we could be In my naivity I ran I fell and lost my way Somehow I always end up falling over me And one day I woke to find the future had no place for me I was unwanted in a world that with my hands I helped build Where once was honesty and pride I now stand broken and alone Just a shadow of what I was ment to be They say that "Time will heal" "The truth shall set us free" Well that depends on what it is that you choose to believe In this prison made of lies we see what it is we want to see And find comfort in this broken hall of dreams Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anybody out there? Are you hearing me? I believe in you Will you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams? I believe in you You believe in me But I have no trust in anything Somehow I'm always always falling over me Somehow I'm always I'm always falling over me." - Holding On by VNV Nation Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: