Date: Jan. 09, 2003 Time: 10:46 PM My current mood is: More family shit. And another mental problem, wee! *sigh* So my aunt is going to sue my dad. I really really hope she doesn't, I tried to persuade her not to but she's irrational(Borderline Personality people make me want to start throwing grenades). What happened is that from awhile ago, me, my sister and my aunt went to a lawyer for him to ask for an accountability of what was spent on the trust fund that my mom left when she died. We did this because my dad wouldn't tell us when we asked, and also he tried to use it for his own benefit and because of his lies. When my dad got the letter demanding a list of transactions he sent it, and he wrote that my aunt and grandfather were forcing us to do it and saying lies. My aunt freaked out and being her nutty overdramatic self now wants to sue him. I asked her on what grounds can she sue him on, and she says defimation of character or something like that, for saying that they forced us. So me and my sister went over there to try to calm them down. They ranted and raved, my aunt alternatly yelling and crying. I sat quietly trying to get them to calm down, but they wouldn't have it. My grandfather even started yelling at us accusing us because we weren't all gung ho about it like they were, saying we were being stupid. It was really stressful the whole time hearing all the yelling and harsh words, I just wanted to leave and go cut myself or binge. I understand they mean well and want to help us, but we don't want to take our dad to court! They're both going way over the top with this and demanding that we agree with them. Eventually my sister tried to change the subject by saying how happy she was that she got good grades, two A's and two B's. My grandfather immediatly said "Why two B's?", my sister just stared at him. My aunt trying to make things more pleasant started saying how beautiful we look and I thanked her, she lightheartedly said to my sister "You have some competition now!" refering to me, my sister quickly said "No I don't" in a very "trust me she's still ugly" type of tone. I just looked down. I also felt bad when my grandfather said my sister is stronger then me because I dropped out of school. I have major issues with feeling weak and trying to be strong(hello eating disorder), so this really bothered me and couldn't stop thinking about it, about how weak I am, I need to work harder at being strong, I'm such a wuse, I need to be harder inside. Honestly I wouldn't have been able to get better from my eating if I hadn't dropped out, but he doesn't know that. Today I was looking up Bipolar webpages. I realized that technicly I have Bipolar III, weird huh? Well not weird, but I just didn't realize it. Bipolar III is when antidepressants bring out a manic episode, which happened twice to me. And as I was thinking about it I realized that for that whole month a couple months ago that I was really really happy, I think that might have been a hypomanic episode! I wasn't on medication then by the way. I don't want to jump to conclusions and diagnose myself, but I don't know... Over the past few years my depression has become more episodic, instead of ups and downs everyday, it's now become more like really depressed for weeks straight, then ok for a week, then bad again. Only for that whole month, I was really really happy for the entire month which has never happened to me before. I felt super confident like I could do anything, I loved my job, everything seemed fresh and new, and I could get tons of stuff done. Honestly feeling like that was great, I have no complaints, infact it helped me a lot with recovery. But I've never been like that before, and I don't have the type of depression that randomly goes away, looking back it just seemed kind of strange. The medication induced episodes totally sucked though, that was way more hardcore crazy mania, I honestly didn't trust myself and did not feel mentally stable at all. People think of being manic as being really happy, but there's also when instead you get really angry and aggressive, that's what happened to me. Anyway, I'll have to think more about this and talk to my psych. maybe, though he kind of already knows which is why he's been putting me on mood stabilizers(used to treat bipolar disorder). Fuckin weird dude. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: