Date: Jan. 07, 2003
Time: 6:00 PM
My current mood is:
All the anger
Today at work my manager was being weird, first when I was punching out for break, he said "Make sure you eat something!", then later on: him-"What's the chance of you working this palet tonight?" me-"Slim to none, I still have to Rid-ich the.." him interrupting-"With you nothing is fat! Hahaha!", followed by me turning red from embarrisment. What the hell, I'm not thin! The thing is, he's never made any type of thin jokes to me, yet today he made 2.. I got all paranoid thinking maybe somebody was telling him about my weight or something, I don't know. Cause he's fairly new, he hasn't seen me underweight much. He wasn't around for when I got to around 90lbs and was too sick to show up to work half the time. Kind of makes me sad to think about that, how people would ask me if I was ok/if I was sick all the time, I'd call into work sick constantly and the thing is, I never even got in trouble for it. What was even sadder was when they stopped asking eventually, because me looking horrible was a daily thing. Honestly I didn't even call half the time, I just wouldn't show up yet I'm pretty sure the managers knew something was wrong, I never even got a warning. It was weird reading my one year review, cause it was written up by the old manager. I was assuming I was going to get a really bad review, especially for the absence/lateness part. Oddly enough I got a good mark, he wrote that I always showed up on time and if I was going to be late/absent I always called in advance! I honestly can't believe I wasn't fired during that period of time when I kept not showing up. So I dunno, maybe someone mentioned to the new manager about that, I don't know, I hope not. It just makes me feel so embarrised being called thin when I'm obviously NOT thin...in all honesty I'm normal weight. I just wish people wouldn't bring up weight, why do people have to talk abou it so much?Today I was so angry. The thing is, this is fairly normal for me. Ever since I started eating normal I'm fucking pissed everyday! It's sort of a mixture between coldness and anger. When I see small children I get the urge to kick them. I've always faked happiness, but now I find myself feigning kindness. I have to struggle not to tell customers to fuck off or to shut the fuck up. I even found myself giving a customer a dirty look/rolling my eyes the other day, oops! I feel bad but I just can't stand anyone, any customers that come in needing help are immediatly considered 'a pain in my fucking ass'. Something small will happen and I'll feel like smashing something, punching a wall, destroying anything, I try to just calm down though. I guess without cutting to relieve the anger or an eating disorder to numb myself, I find myself full of this neverending rage and hostility. I wish I knew a way to get rid of it. I also wish I knew what it is that I'm so angry at, cause really I have no idea. Lately I haven't felt it as much I guess because of Jon, he actually makes me happy :) Yet he is gone, and it is steadly creeping back. I'm glad I got this all out, this has been what I've been thinking about all day.
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