Date: Dec. 30, 2002
Time: 4:25 PM
My current mood is:
Melting the ice around my heart
Jon C. is coming tonight (he lives in New York). I talked to him last night on the phone for like 2 hours at least! I actually realized for the first time that he likes me...I mean actually cares about me, isn't that weird? I mean why the fuck would someone care about me?? At first when he started saying that he liked me and complimenting me, it made me kind of angry. I honestly felt like it was a lie, and not even cause he would lie to me. I just always feel like it's a lie when people say they care about me, it makes me so pissed and I want to shake them and say "No you don't! You're delusional!!". Yes, I have issues. So last night he said he cares about me, and suddenly I felt my insides melt, a warmth I had forgotten existed swept over me and I smiled. I felt so bad though, cause he kept wanting me to express my feelings about him, and I couldn't. I never can. I'm just always so afraid of showing emotion, not in this diary obviously but in real life it's like...like a prison, I have high fencing with barbwire surrounding me, people with guns ready to shoot at any emotion that escapes. But finally he wore me down, cause I knew it was unfair for him to be saying such nice things to me and me keeping everything in, so I told him the truth that I always liked him. It's hard though, I mean he lives 3-5 hours away yet he wants me to tell me I care about him, I'm not sure if my words can travel that far. I mean how could it work out? I told him how I told Hilary not to invite my ex John for New Years, and he said "Why, cause you wouldn't know who to make out with?". When he said that I realized that a few entries ago I mentioned that maybe I'd hook up with both Jon and John, but I didn't mean actually do it. I wouldn't get with John, I mean that's totally overwith I was just horny, that would be really dumb and I wouldn't want to do that to Jon. Anyway, it's not like he knew I wrote that, and we talked about how I'm totally over my ex John. I talk to John on the phone still, but that's where it ends. The nice things he said to me...it's like he started to melt the layer of ice surrounding my heart, if he hurts me...please don't let that happen, I don't want pain and rejection. Someone actually cares about me. Today I was thinking about relationships, wondering what is the point of them. If you think about it, why do people start something like that when it's going to inevitably end in sorrow? Even if you do actually get married most end in divorce anyway. There's such little chance of a relationship succeeding...yet we do it over and over again. I think relationships are like drugs, just like any other addiction. Just seems that way to me. But you know what? I happen to like addiction ;)
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