Date: Dec. 27, 2002 Time: 9:33 PM My current mood is: I'm fine. Really. I should be fine. I'm on a mood stabilizer, I'm keeping food down and eating enough of it. I'm eating normal, remember? But I'm not fine. I'm not fine and I'm less sure that I'm eating normal. I need to admit I'm binging, eating too much. I feel so upset after I eat I just want to cry my eyes out. Too much...too much...is all I hear inside. I'm a horrible person for eating is what my mind tells me, TOO MUCH! Today in the afternoon I ate a bowl of cereal dry and an apple, then for dinner went to Linda and Jerry's, they were having a dinner party. I ate a turkey sandwich, debated on mayo but too many calories. Put some cheese curls and a pickle on my plate. I ate in silence as everyone talked, feeling extremely uncomfortable to be eating infront of people. Like the laxative girl in Girl, Interrupted said eating infront of people is like taking a shit in public. I ate the last cheese curl, damning myself because I should have left it on my plate, just for principle. Just to show I'm not a pig. Wondered after every bite of my sandwich if it should be the last, how much should I leave behind? I ate it all though. Then of course dessert came out, where my hunger I was trying to keep at bay was revealed as I ate cookies, brownies, cake. Damning myself over and over, why did I have to eat that?? Now I'm going to gain even more weight! Jon C. is coming on Monday, by the time I see him I will be a whale! I got called skinny, people have grown accustomed to thinking of me as thin, regardless of my actual physical appearence. My dad touched my waist and I immediatly pushed him away, my fat my fat my FAT! I felt awkward around Rachael, especially since I felt really unhappy. Eventually pretended to be happy and friendly, except I felt like my acting was bad and I probably came off as strange. I couldn't wait to come home. Earlier I had the desperate need to write something, an idea I had while reading the book Bitch. Yes I'm still reading that, or more like it's been sitting by my bed for months while I forget that I should read it. I forget what it was that I wanted to write in here, I think it was about my past relationships. Oh perhaps it was that I don't know if I can be trusted to find someone for myself? I think that was it, or at least I know that's what I was thinking about earlier. They say people with problems pick people with problems, like to play out family problems through their relationship. If that's the case, how can I pick someone for myself? Am I doomed to subconciously pick people that I will do that with? And am I the "messed up girl" that guys with problems would gravitate to? The guys I go out with either are drama queens or emotionally distant. In my family that's how it is, like my grandfather and aunt are drama queens and my dad and grandmother are emotionally distant. My sister is a mix of both if that makes sense. If I found someone who's a middle ground, would I dislike them? Do I have a right morally to be dating? And the part I play, am I just playing a part for someone...I could write more on this but I think I'll save that for another entry, I have much more to say on this topic. The Trileptal is making me so tired. I just want to sleep all the time, blaaah this sucks. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: