Date: Dec. 27, 2002 Time: 3:28 AM My current mood is: Pain, fucking pain Pain. Fucking pain. I sit here, my fingers curled to my palm, as if I was making a fist. I realize that this is the most strength I can put into makeing a fist, just curling my fingers. Imagine that...making a fist with no strength into it, and that's the most you can do. My left arm is shyte(sorry been watching Trainspotting). I can't sleep because the pain in my left shoulder, seering through my body and brain. It doesn't stop for an instant you know, it's 24 hours a day...well ok not while I'm sleeping, but basicly nonstop. It's been hurting now for a year straight. It's getting worse. It used to be only the back part of my shoulder, now the front part hurts too. This fucking sucks, cause this is a different muscle hurting. This muscle is hurting from lack of use, atrophying. Basicly, it feels like I need to stretch it a bunch of times and it would feel better. Only, I can't stretch it cause of my shoulder....so it gets worse. My left side is slowely rotting away. Barely able to type without pain, but what's a little more pain anyway? What difference does it make if something hurts it more or less, when it hurts all the time anyway? It's like the chinese water torture, a drop on the forehead one at a time, slowely driving me insane with the neverending pain. My aunt tells me I should have stopped working, that my work makes it worse. I deny it, but truthfully it does, I refuse to let anyone know that though. Pride always gets me in the end. A few minutes ago as I brought a glass of water to my mouth, I realized in dissapointment that I barely could do it, had to support the glass with my right hand. Usually I can handle it, take it with stride. Nights like this I just want to cry my eyes out, I can't take the pain another day, another instant. I've been taking 4 Ibprofen a day. The only change is that it's gotten worse. I hadn't realized how little strength I had in my arm. When I use it for things it hurts, so I didn't realize that beneath the pain, the muscle had died away, not until I tried to clench my fist just now did I realize. Jon C. is coming up on Monday. I've been binging more and more, and now I'm so disgusted and upset, I've gotten so fat I need to warn him. I hope I can eat healthy and maybe lose weight so he doesn't see me in this embarrising state. It makes me want to die to know that he will see I've gained weight, the thoughts he will have in his head, it's going to drive me insane(then again I think I'm already parked there). I don't remember how much I weighed last time I saw him, but I'm willing to bet the times I've seen him I was in the mid-90's. At least 15lbs later...here I am. Disgusting. And by telling him I gained weight, he will know I've been pigging out, that I've been EATING. Thoughts of me being lazy, being a pig, stuffing my face, I know he'll be thinking this! I just want to smash something, slice my arms open, punch anything I can find, I'm so angry at anything and everything, but mostly myself. And this pain, this fucking pain in my shoulder, I just want to chop my arm off! I can't sleep, not now. As I watched Trainspotting(once again, great flick), it was weird how eerily familier things seemed. No I'm not a heroin addict, I mean...I don't know, the things in the movie, how they talked about craving and addiction, I felt like I could relate with the starving and purging. It's this addiction, a craving. Part of you loves it. I honestly believe kicking an eating disorder is harder then kicking heroin. Having an ED is like trying to kick junk, but having to always have a needle full of heroin in your pocket at all times. Will I make it? I don't know. Yes I know how melodramatic this sounds to someone who's not familier to this. "Just eat!" Right. I've been eating "normal" for 2 months now, I looked in the mirror earlier with no makeup, I still look like a goddamn junky. At least I don't look like a late stage cancer victum anymore. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: