Date: Dec. 22, 2002 Time: 12:53 AM My current mood is: Slipping away I feel gross right now. My stomach acid problem seems to be getting worse. Everyday I can feel stomach acid up in my throat, burning up and down my esophagus. It has occured to me that this is not normal or healthy. Whenever I burp or hiccup stomach acid shoots up to my throat. Damn my stupid docter for saying that eating disorders don't cause damage, what the fuck is he smoking?? Unfortunatly I was too nervous to remember to bring this problem up to him. And now I don't know what to do...I mean I just saw the guy, what am I supposed to make another appointment again? Especially since he kept saying that he's sure I'm fine and how there's nothing to worry about, eating disorders very rarely cause damage. I told my therapist what he said and she couldn't believe he said that. But now how can I go back saying "Oh by the way, I forgot to bring up this problem CAUSED by my eating disorder", after he just said that. I'll feel like an idiot. I can't go to another docter, he's the third one I've had in a year. My health insurance is already all confused cause of it. I'll probably just continue to pop Zantac pills until I decide to do something about it. Unfortunatly even taking that doesn't help totally. Today everytime I bent over I felt like I was going to puke acid. Blech. And I started thinking about my ED. Thinking...will this ever get better? Is it always going to be like this? Today as I got ready for work, I put on some new jeans I just got and was horrified that they were too small , I couldn't even pull them up all the way. My gigantic theighs prevented it...granted, they shrunk in the wash, but still, it made me really upset. Instead I wore the pair of pants that Katie let me have, normally they are huge on me but I wear them anyway to work, today as I put them on they hugged my theighs, and weren't nearly as baggy as they had always been. I'm too embarrised to even say the size. As I came into work I honestly wanted to cry I was so upset, I was just so embarrised for being so fat. I really wanted to just go home cause I couldn't bear to let people see me like this, so disgusting. Is this going to be me forever? Right now I'm fighting so hard to stay recovered, my mind screams at me that I need to starve myself and purge. I'm just so miserable right now. Will I always feel like this, always be fighting against the urge? Cause if I am....what's the point? Why do I have to feel like this and think these thoughts, why can't I just be normal? I didn't ask for this, didn't ask for every moment to be a struggle. And it really is, cause it's like having someone scream at you constantly telling you how horrible you are. Will I relapse and eventually die from this? I honestly don't know. Yes I know this sounds melodramatic, but actually it's not. Lately I've really been having a hard time with this, and I don't know if I'm going to make it. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: