Date: Dec. 14, 2002 Time: 7:04 PM My current mood is: The side fat from hell I just got home from work a little while ago, I wish I had a day off, but my next day off is Wednesday...working 9 days straight, oh yay. A few minutes ago I was trying on some pants/shirts, and it just upset me. The truth of the matter is, I have side fat. You know, love handles. It's gross and pudgy. I'm not even just making it up, it's there and no matter what shirt I wear I can see it. How embarrising :( I'm so ashamed of myself. It's my own fault, this whole time that I've been eating, I haven't exercised once. I mean I'm pretty active at work so I haven't gotten overweight, but the rest of my body is just pudgy fat, completly untoned. I need to start doing aerobics and stomach exercises, at least that would make me look better and would help tone my sides. But side fat!! It's gross. And I have back fat. I was going to have some soup for dinner, since in a few hours I'm going out with Hilary and her friend Punk Julie to have a hotdog and then to the movies....but I probably shouldn't, I'm such a fucking pig why do I have to eat so much??? Why do I have McDonalds so much?? A couple hours ago at work some really skinny girl came in. I stared and stared, analyzing every body part. Yes I'm sure this sounds psycho, but I can't help but compaire myself to underweight girls. I was upset as I thought "Howcome I never look so beautifully thin when I lose weight?? Why can't I look like that? Howcome I just look gross when I lose weight, why can't I be thin?". She had that 2-dimensional look, the lollypop look, as if her body shouldn't have been able to hold the weight of her head. After seeing her I suddenly thought...when will this end? I think this will be in my head forever. Am I just kidding myself with this whole recovery thing? I honestly can't say that I won't ever relapse. Part of me knows I probably will. And knowing that...knowing that this will all be for shit, that I may be doing this for no reason at all...what the fuck? I try to wear form fitting clothing and like it, to wear tight and sexy things, or like I said just slightly form fitting even. But I look in the mirror and I'm so embarrised, it's really pretty disgusting, I just don't have the body for this. I'm like one of those overweight girls that wears something 10 sizes too small(not knocking overweight people, just these particular ones), so that it's very unflattering...this is me. Yet I thought a BMI of 20 is supposed to be normal? Actually mine is in the high 19's, but I'm just going to assume I gained weight. But isn't that supposed to be normal??? So why do I look as gross as roadkill? Honestly I need liposuction. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: