Date: Dec. 13, 2002 Time: 3:42 PM My current mood is: Slowely falling down Why does it have to be like this? Such fucking disappointment. I knew it was coming. Over the past couple days I've slowely felt myself falling, like snow down to the ground to be mushed into dirty slush. This whole month out of nowhere I've been NOT depressed...why? Who knows. All I know is that now I seem to be falling back into it, I hope it's just a funk and I can come back out. I want to say "Wait! I'm not done yet, I have things to do, I haven't taken full advantage of it yet, please don't go!", like running after a train that you bought a ticket for but that is leaving without you. After feeling so content all month, suddenly things are a little more grey, myself a little more apathetic, and everything pisses me off. Instead of my thoughts being good natured and happy, they've turned into "Fuck all you people, die. I hate you!". Yesterday I had a physical therapy appt. but I didn't go. I've been good and going to any docters or other appointments I've had all month, but suddenly I just didn't care. I look in the mirror and I'm fucking gross too. Last night I drank with Katie, then after she left I started just shoving random food in my mouth, as if I was going to eat and throw up. Yes, oddly enough when you eat and throw up, you eat differently then normal...the taste doesn't matter as much, just as long as you can eat it real fast so you can puke it ASAP. I didn't puke, but it just weirded me out. As I ate (veggies and potato chips), I felt the pain, the pain I haven't felt in awhile. Not physical pain, but the inside kind, the one that makes me want to cry yet is there for no reason at all. I haven't felt that pain in literally a month. I knew I didn't feel all that happy when I was sick this past week, but I thought it was just cause I was ill, I mean who's happy when they have the flu right? But I feel better now and the feelings are getting worse. I'm taking the mood stablizer I started a few days ago so hopefully that will start working soon.....doubtful, but one can hope right? Today at work as I was thinking of where I wanted to go on my break to eat lunch, I got a little freaked out too. The 2 main places to go to are McDonalds and D'angelos. I tried to think of where I wanted to go to, and it just seemed to daunting for me to decide....what I really wanted was to just not eat at all. I felt like that was the easiest choice, just have nothing, simple. But I knew I couldn't do that, and was surprised at how automatic my thinking was with just wanting not to eat. I made myself eat anyway though. I just want it to stop, I want it all to stop. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: