Date: Dec. 02, 2002 Time: 1:42 AM My current mood is: Talking to Jon and finding my voice I just talked to this guy Jon on the phone. He's a very interesting person.... he's actually Hilary and Mike's friend, that I met only a couple times in person. I forget how, but awhile ago I think Hilary gave me his IM name and somehow we started talking online. So we talk online occasionally, and once in a great while he'll ask if he can call me and we'll talk for hours. There's something about him, something that's very rare to find in people, or at least maybe it's just hard for me to find. I'm not sure what though? What is it about him? Something different, or maybe it's that I feel some sort of kinship with him? I don't really know, I just feel a closeness to him that isn't made up of how long we've known each other, cause truthfully we've only met like 3 times. Yet occasionally he'll call me and we'll talk about things like his childhood and the meaning of life, sometimes he tells me things he doesn't tell anyone else. And just earlier, I started feeling that newish feeling of resentment, the resentment of never being asked how I'm doing. I don't mean the "Hey how's it going?" type of thing, I mean when my friends tell me their problems but don't ever bother to wonder how I am, or like Katie who knows that I'm struggling to get better with my ED, yet has not asked since I told her that how I'm doing with it. Anyway, so I was thinking of this, and he came online and was asking how I'm doing....like actually asking, wanting to know how I am. I think part of what I was trying to say that makes him different is that he seems to have a depth to him, perhaps an emotional depth, but not in a boo hoo cry for me type of way...maybe more of an intellectual depth. I can't really explain it. I feel some sort of connection to him. I'd like to hang out with him, but he lives in New York, so that ain't happening. About that no one asking how I'm doing thing: It's weird, earlier when I was thinking about it, and I found myself angrily thinking "Why aren't my thoughts/feelings as important as everyone elses? HUH??" and I realized I was asking myself that. Why do I consider my thoughts/feelings to be less important? Why does it come second nature to just automaticly disregard what I'm saying so that I may ask "Oh? And how are you? How can I help?". I'm the cliche shoulder to lean on, it's become my persona. Of course I like helping people, don't get me wrong. But I've ingrained it into myself to the point where I don't know how to not be the shoulder to lean on. I don't know how to lean. And I've taught everyone around me not to be there for me. Yes, I really have. I've subconciously taught everyone that I don't have any problems to talk about, that don't bother to focus on me, lets focus on you. I know I've created this myself, but I don't know how to break it. How do I go around asking people to care? How do I ask people to ask me how I'm doing? How do I explain to people that I have feelings? Because I'm pretty sure no one knows that I do. I wish I had some support from friends/family, like someone saying "that's great you're getting better!", that's all I want, yet I can't allow myself to even discuss such matters. And the people that do know, well, they don't ever ask about it, if I mention it they get silent, or say "oh" and shift their eyes, so I change the subject as quickly as possible seeing as they don't want to talk about it. Cause really, why would anyone want to talk about my problems or life? Having a diary rocks, this is the only place I can talk about all this. To BudWards' comment: Hmmm that's a toughy. Maybe ask her why she doesn't like it? Is it cause she's self concious or does it just not feel good? Who knows...I guess some people just aren't into it or something (weirdos). Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: