Date: Nov. 26, 2002 Time: 12:35 AM My current mood is: Who am I? Where am I? What am I? I just slept for about an hour and woke up. Damn my insomnia! I just took some pills to sleep though, so hopefully I will fall asleep shortly. Seriously, ever since I started keeping food down I haven't had more then 6 hours sleep in a night. I now have bags under my eyes to match my undereye circles. Weee! Anyway while I was tossing and turning in bed, I started thinking about something that's bothering me. About the whole my aunt giving me a makeover thing. We went shopping today again(during which my aunt cried 3 times). She keeps saying constantly how I'm going to be a whole new me, I'm going to be so much better now. It makes me feel bad, cause I guess I didn't realize how much she didn't like the "old" me. Am I really that bad? She even said she wants my taste in music to change! Cause I told her I like metal, apparently that's not *mature* enough. Why does my family constantly say how immature I am, and how they want me to act more adult? They all wish I was 50, and they all act disgusted that I look like I'm in high school. I can't help it if I look young!! I can't control what age I look, should I draw on fake wrinkles? I don't get it. My aunt told me she doesn't like when I wear my hair clips, cause it makes me look younger. I wear them cause it keeps my hair out of my face and it looks nice, it's not like I'm wearing Mickey Mouse barrets or something. I just don't understand why they have so much dislike for everything and anything I wear. I excitedly told Katie about how my aunt is buying me all this normal clothes, and I even wore a new outfit for her to see. I was confused at her reaction though, she said "Why does she think you need to change? I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way you dress. It's just your own style. Is this what you like?". So that confused me, cause I don't even know what I want really, I just figured my tastes obviously suck so I should just ignore what I like and let other people tell me what I should like instead. I mean people say I look good in these clothes, so that must mean they're better right? My aunt told my grandfather we're going to have a "burning party" with my clothes, that we're going to throw away all my "old" clothes (basiclly everything but the new ones she bought me). I looked at her and said "No we're not, I never said that.." but she just went on about it, ignoring me. So as I was lying in bed I thought of all this, and wished I could start throwing up again. Because if I could throw up what I ate again, I'd have something, just something for me. Something I could be sure of, that familier cause and effect. People say anorexia is about control, but truthfully starving myself was never about control issues, it was bulimia that I needed for control. It was so...I don't know. I ate, I threw it up. I can't really explain it, except for that cause and effect thing, it just felt like I was doing something, and it gave me a false feeling of control. So right now I wish I could go back to that, just to feel like I had something concrete. Cause right now I feel like I don't know what's up or down. I'm still in a good mood like I've been for awhile now, just this thing is bothering me. But at the same time I can't complain, she's buying me stuff. Oh and I'm not going to going start throwing up, I was just wishing I would. But I won't. Holy crap, I just realized I've had this skin irritation/infection/whatever on my stomach for 2 months! I think I need to see a docter, I swear I have leprosy or something!! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: