Date: Nov. 14, 2002 Time: 9:59 PM My current mood is: Combined entry from a couple days ago and today *The past few days I haven't even been able to make diary entries, somehow I got it working once, but not again, so I had to combine the 2 entries I was going to make seperate. In the meantime I opened my diaryland email account so that not so much goes to my yahoo account(over 100 emails in there now, christ!).* I feel so brokenhearted right now. I'm really, really trying here, yet people insist on stressing me out and just making me feel badly. Last night and today these feelings have manifested themselves into wanting to purge. It's a hard thing to explain to someone who doesn't know, feeling filled to the brim with bad emotion, needing to just rid yourself, to purge both food and the stressful/sorrowful feelings. Because it does work you know, well kind of. A feeling of calm afterwards along with an unhealthy exhaustion that makes you forget your troubles, that makes you feel empty and free and tired and just wanting to sleep. And sleep you will, for hours and hours later on, because puking, like sleeping pills chases away insomnia. I'm now being reminded of this as my bed times creep further and further down the clock, 3am, 4am, 5am. I'm also being reminded that I have no clue how to adequately deal with these depressed emotions, what do I do? Feel them? I already do. And I don't want to, my immediate ingrained reaction is to turn it physical. Why? Why did I start self injuring in the first place? I really don't know. I remember when I started clear as day, but as far as I knew I did it for no reason. Or did it out of boredom. But why? Blah, anyway, I'm getting off subject. Right now I'm crawling in my skin. *Later on tonight* My sister and my dad were talking about the whole Donna thing (his ex fiance), and how about how it hurt her. I came in and asked what they were talking about but my sister just said it didn't concern me and turned her back. I wish my sister didn't dislike me so much, I can tell she thinks I'm the biggest loser. I stood in the dark hallway alone and listened as my dad apologized to her, and I wished I could be part of the conversation too. So I just sat in the kitchen alone wishing I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone in my family who was just cool to talk to, someone nice. My sister just snaps at me whenever I talk to her. I wish we could get along, I don't know why she always has to be so mean. I feel like I live on a deserted island. My aunt and grandfather keep harassing me about wanting a key to my house. Why do they want a key?? I told them that I don't want them to come over when we're not home, and they said they wouldn't. I asked then why would they need a key, but they can't answer that really, they just give me a guilt trip saying "You don't want us to have one??". They're really giving me shit about it, and won't take no for an answer. None of us want them to have one, they're just trying to stir up trouble. I'm really trying not to cut myself, I've been feeling like it all day. Also been binging a lot, no puking though. God I just feel so awful inside, I wish someone would just be nice to me. I want to tell some of my friends who know about my ED about how I'm getting better, but no one seems to care :( Everyone seems content telling me all about their life, don't want to bother anyone with mine. No one asks anyway. *Entry from today:* It's times like these that I half-wish I believed in god so that I might pray. They say prayer actually helps people, makes people more positive and healthy. Why is that anyway? Does it matter if you are only pretending to believe in god? What if it's kind of a joke prayer, or you're praying to yourself? Either way, I believe in nothing. Or maybe that's just what I like to say. It's also times like this, that I wish I had a boyfriend. Yes I know I know, stupid. But just to have someone wrap their arms around me, to have someone care, someone I can just escape to. And not to mention the sex part, that would be nice too. But that's not what I'm talking about right now. I just wish I had someone who cared. Not only that, but someone who I would let in. Someone who didn't have another agenda. My aunt is obsessing, she's eveloping me into her fucked up world. She's calling me all the time now, and twisting my words around to be what she wants, confusing me and....and all I want is to ask my sister for help but she just hurls some vicious words onto me every time I see her, she doesn't care, and I have no one to talk to. Please please I beg to whomever, perhaps to myself, please...just please. I'm trying to eat normal, I am. My body in defense creates Edema in my feet, making them swell to enormous proportions, or making my heart flutter and dance in odd ways. Apparently an underfed body needs calories increased only by a couple hundered every few days so as to not put the body at risk. Perhaps going from a few hundred(at most) a day to 2,000+ a day all at once was too much of a shock. I'm trying though, I'm really trying. It's not easy, over and over again I'm tempted to go back, because I feel like I'm sinking. And everyone either ignores me, yells at me, or tries to take advantage of me lately. I can't think of one person who hasn't done the 3 above. And if you're reading this, I'm talking about people in real life, not online. I feel like I could fucking die and nobody would notice or care. I keep reminding myself why I care about being healthy. I'm not trying to demand attention from people, I'm just saying that as people act towards me now, it's not very benificial towards recovery. And I want to get better, I want a chance. But I can't do it alone, and I wish people would help me. I mean not even in a "yay you're eating, nice doggy" type of way, just fucking being NICE to me would help. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: