Date: Oct. 31, 2002
Time: 1:12 AM
My current mood is:
Ice vs. Liquid
Too much emotion has been spilt as of late. An episode of internal liquid spilling externally down my face, projected from my eyes is proof of this (however brief it was). Spillage of this sort will not be tolerated, nor will non-physical, ie.display of emotions verbally/other communicatory ways. Ice. I need to become ice. Cool, uneffected, standoffish, solid, burns of cold to the touch. I must remain this way, and stop allowing myself to melt in the harsh light of depression. Liquid is nothing, wet sticky mess, gets everywhere, cannot be contained. Drags people down. Not many people are happy when it rains, why should I allow myself to dissolve into a burden? No, a solid mass retains itself, does not leech into other's clothing and hair and time and illicit caring. No, a glacier of ice stands on it's own, solid, aloof, alone. Does not reach out. Too many have offered support, a glowing mirror of proof of the error in my ways. If someone says they are worried, it means I've gone too far, reached out too much, allowed myself to become a mere puddle, dripping and slushing onto whomever will listen. And this is not tolerated behavior, and is inexcusable. My apologies, even to those who will not see this. I did not mean for such gross overflowing of emotions and feelings, both of which have been put back to their holding cells, awaiting trial.I can't see well, my contacts are all blurry. Oh mighty lazer eye surgery, please grace me with a freebie, as my contacts are annoying the shit out of me. Today I binge/purged 4 times(well binged 4, in a way I kind of purged 7 times). And you know what? I'm hungry as fuck. I shall do it again. Except there is no good food(oops did I eat it all?). Perhaps some Ramen soup is in order. I bought a package of 6 for 74 cents, can't go wrong with Ramen.
And speaking of eating, today I got an 1/8 of 'shrooms. Fucking $30, can you believe it? And I had to talk it down to that too. Me being an old person: "I remember the days when shrooms used to cost $25, not $35!". Damn straight.
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