Date: Oct. 24, 2002
Time: 1:09 AM
My current mood is:
I am a shit stain on the underwear of life
I just cut myself a little while ago. I was just thinking about how I don't ever count how many cuts I make at a time, I skimmed my arm breafly to see 25 at least *shrug*. Doesn't matter. I mean it kind of hurts but who cares? It hurts less then the pain inside, and it kind of bothers me that I can make myself bleed so easily, I wish it hurt more and was harder to do. I still feel the pain inside though *sigh*, perhaps if I had done the other arm too it would have subsided more. Why did I cut myself? Because I'm just a stupid fuck up. I'm useless and I do nothing, I'm a complete waste of space! Today I was too tired to do much of anything, actually tired isn't even the word, more weak and exhausted, purging back up to 3 times a day again and not keeping much down. I had things I needed to do but I just....I just couldn't physically do them. I did however manage to do the dishes and fold/put away towels I had washed. I sat here at the computer, upset about the fact that I could barely keep my eyes open and that it was really the only thing I had energy enough to do, besides class I've just been eating/purging and lying in bed. Then my dad came in and starting bitching at me, saying how I didn't do ALL the towels (even though the towel cabinet is completely full), that's the way it should be done not just however many will fit into the cabinet, it has to be EVERY SINGLE ONE blah blah blah, I need to do more around the house, need to contribute more, I need to go food shopping tomorrow, my sisters boyfriend cleaned out the oven which I was supposed to do so got yelled at for that, got yelled at for leaving a knife out and not putting it in the dishwasher.. of course he doesn't notice that I did all the dishes today but just left that one knife, of course he doesn't even care that I did most of the towels, I mean it's not fair that no matter what I do, all he notices is the things I didn't do. He says I don't do enough, I mean I TRY! I fucking try. I wash and put away the towels, I do the food shopping, sometimes do the dishes, clean out the refridgerator on a regular basis(get rid of old food, make sure nothing's past the date/moldy), water the plants, clean the downstairs bathroom.... I mean.... what the fuck? I work, go to school. Fucking yesterday had an 11 hour day. It's just too much. I feel like crying, and just saying look, I physically am too weak ok? I just don't know what to do. He's right though, I should be doing more, I should have cleaned out the oven, finished the towels, etc. I just complain over nothing. I'm a worthless piece of shit, that's the problem. I just don't know what he wants from me though, he says I don't help out enough, what else does he want me to do?? I always screw up. No matter what I do I accidently leave something behind, don't finish it, or don't do a good enough job as I should. I embarriss my sister (in my dad's words). I know he looks down at me, thinks I'm fucking scum. I am. Ah, well anyway, I went to breakfast with that guy at my school(and his friend), his name is Jeff by the way. I know this because we were talking about bands, and I asked if he knew Jack Off Jill and he said "No but I'd like it if it was Jack Off Jeff, hahahaha". Um, yeah. I stared out the window as Jeff and the other dude talked about sports, and how they liked Dave Mathews Band. Gag. I don't really have much in common with them. I might still hook up with Jeff though, just to get some booty. I was kind of hesitent to hang with them, since I had already eaten cereal, so this meant I had to eat AGAIN, I got away with just eating a little less then half a bowl of corn pops dry. And one last thing....it SNOWED! AAAAAHHHHHH! I hate New England weather! It can't snow in October!! Damnit all to hell, I wish it was still summer.
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